This is a free country. This is MY website. And I can write about whatever and whomever I want and I’m not going to get arrested or go to jail. I don’t really care if I’m upsetting anyone. Don’t read it. Don’t come to my website three times a day and check for updates but ignore me for weeks. Find something else to do. I’m not that great anyways apparently.
So here it is. I know I’ve been vague about what has been going on in my personal life lately. I’ve done so because I know I will just get bitched out for it but I’m not really worried anymore. I’ve given up hope. I’ve been wronged, cheated, disrespected, lied to, and most of all extremely hurt. I cry for hours at night sometimes. Sometimes I think I’ll choke on my tears and die. I have gone through three pairs of contacts in the last few weeks. I think my face is permanently blotchy and red. I’ve fucked up at work. I’ve sat for hours on end just staring at the wall because I just don’t want to feel anymore.
And fine, this might be my side of the story – but I guarantee that I’m not exaggerating it or twisting anything out of proportion. I just can’t for the life of me grasp how someone who is so generous and caring can be so fucking selfish at the same time. I thought there were so many perfect things about Todd for the 3+ years that we had been together, but I slowly began to realize that we really had no future together because he just cuts me out of certain parts of his life. He has two best friends. I met one of them once, the other … never met. If he’s on the phone with a family member, like his perfect mom … well I get shushed because God forbid she knew I was with him. He claims this not to be true and that people know about me but I don’t believe it. I pick up on these things. Why is it that if I’m in the car with him and his mom calls, he is suddenly not on his way to my house, or he is just heading to Wal-Mart by himself. Why was I never even acknowledged? If he goes home for a few days, he can only call me after his parents go to bed or if he is driving around somewhere. Claims there is bad reception at his house, but still …. its all just a bit much to believe. And on all of his trips home for the day, I haven’t been asked to go along in nearly two years. Anyways, I guess I’m only good enough for him and his bed.
Last October – almost exactly one year ago we got into a huge fight and he called me a “stupid fucking moron” and I proceeded to lock myself in my bathroom and not come out. He had never spoken to me that way before and he was shouting ultimatums like “come out right now or we are over”. I didn’t come out of the bathroom and he left. We hardly spoke for an entire month or the next month. Then around mid November, things seemed back to normal except that he wouldn’t acknowledge me as his girlfriend, not even when the little girl next door asked him if I was his girlfriend. He wouldn’t say he loved me either.
Nothing had really changed until I was browsing around MySpace one day in July and found him on there. He was pushing himself as a single guy just looking for a down to earth cool girl. Fuck that. So after he convinced me that he was only seeing if there was anyone cool in his area, I let it go. I mean I know a lot of people have MySpace accounts, but he was saying he was single and there for everything from friends to serious relationships. Plus, I met him on a singles site. So what the fuck was I supposed to think? Then one day last month, this girl Kelly left a comment on his blog entry that said “I really hope you come over tonight and see my new furniture”. I had never heard of Kelly. There were a few things I could assume from that sentence. One, he had been there before and it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for him to stop over that night. Or two, he had already mentioned he might stop over that night. You don’t just say that you hope someone comes over “tonight” if you had never met before or didn’t have plans to meet soon. Anyways, I confronted him about it and he said that he had gone over there once. I asked why he lied to me, since I talked to him every single night of my life and he never mentioned it. I think that going to some girls apartment that was a new potential friend would be something you would mention to your significant other in your life. First he said that he didn’t need to tell me every single detail of his life. Then he said he was wrong and was sorry he lied, but that he knew I’d get upset because I obviously have a problem with him hanging out with girls because one day like two years ago I got jealous of this female friend of his.
Anyways, tons of fights came out of this. I concluded that if he was willing to risk lying to me to go see this girl, then she was obviously worth the risk to him. Or I just didn’t matter that much. This is the point where I really began to feel disrespected and cheated. I asked him if he was going to hang out with her again, and he said he might. I said that her existence was obviously a sore spot for me now, and of course I would feel uneasy about him hanging out with some girl that he had to keep from me. And I know for a fact that he went over there portraying himself as “good ol’ single nice guy” and I was NEVER mentioned. I mean, I’m not mentioned to his real friends, why would I be to his potential friends.
So we had all of these in-depth fights which led to him telling me that a serious relationship wasn’t his priority right now because his degree and his house were more important and he’s going places or something. And he said that he was trying to work things out with me, but wasn’t sure if i was “better” yet and back to being the girl that he used to love. Basically saying I’m not good enough for his love or the status of being his girlfriend, oh yeah …. and I’m diseased too or something. Sorry, I am who I am. Nobody is perfect, everyone has a bad day, and everyone goes through rough periods in their lives. For me, 2003 was a really bad year …. and apparently I still haven’t proven myself to be worthy of him again. Whatever. Fuck You. I’m an honest, caring, extremely loving and dependable person. I can do better. I’ll find someone who can love me for who I am, and not judged by their past or the potential of who they could become.
I’m a fucking human being and I deserve to be treated like one, not like some three year experiment that you will just throw aside when some pimple faced girl (according to Todd) comes along craving Cadbury Eggs that you can’t find so you compensate with donuts or other cute presents along with cutesy away messages about milkshakes and other bullshit. And now he’s taking her to his formal, which I offered to go with him to last year and I was turned down because it was just “some stupid thing you have to do for your fraternity” and I wouldn’t have any fun. And what hurts even more is that all I want is the truth and when I ask for it, I’m still denied an answer. Do you like her? Do you want her to be your girlfriend? How often do you hang out? Don’t I deserve an answer, some closure? For a guy who preached that he would never cheat on a girl, that he had such great morals and respected women …. well obviously the relationship with me was an exception to those rules. And I feel completely disrespected and cheated and I know that its officially over. I have to write this down, I have to. I have to tell myself that I can do better, I know I can. My mom, my dad, my grandma, my friends, my co-workers …. everyone tells me I can do better and I sure as hell didn’t spew off this whole tangent to them. It really is simple. If you are in a relationship, you tell that person how you feel. You are honest. You don’t hang out with other women behind your partner’s back. You just don’t. But according to Todd, I’m irrational for being angry and hurt. Everything I say is irrational and stupid. So Todd, you aren’t worth it. You’re not. Cheers to Todd and Kelly or anyone other girl, good luck .. have fun, maybe you’ll be worthy of him … it’s not an easy thing to accomplish. I mean I tried for three years and trust me, he’s not all that anyways. I can do better and I will. I want to be loved. I want to meet someone who will love me unconditionally and not be ashamed to call me his girlfriend … I’m tired of loving more than I’m loved back. I’m tired of having my heart broken. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of not being good enough. I’m just tired of feeling tired and hopeless. I know I can be happy with someone, someone who will love me for everything I am and everything I have to offer. And I know you’re out there somewhere.
** Please excuse the profanity and bad grammar … this was an official rant and little effort was put forth to make sense or be tactful **
