Coffeebration

Wow, I’m not used to having the blood in my legs circulate. I’m not used to having lungs. Wow, life is really great when you aren’t a lump. Over the summer I claimed to be walking off cats. I can’t remember how many cats I lost over the summer. Less than two I do believe. I’ve gained half of that cat back since my summer vacation, and I’m kind of happy that is all I gained because I stopped my insane walking through Schenley Park, and after a month of not smoking its not as bad as I thought. I feared that one of those lame talk shows was going to have to come in with their crane to remove me from my apartment. I’ve been getting buff with my exercise bike for the past few days. Even though there is absolutely no room for it, I have moved it back into the living room. I didn’t like the exercise bike at first because it hurt my butt, but I solved the problem by removing the swinging ski machine arm things and just sitting back on it. So my arms will stay fat and my legs will get skinny. I don’t really think that is how things work, but we’ll see. Anyways, I’ve been doing an hour a day on it, and I’ve been going kind of slow because if I go really fast my legs start to hurt really bad and I want to give up. I know, I know, its supposed to hurt, but I don’t like pain. Anyways, after making my legs go in circular motions for like an hour, standing up isn’t fun. I always get really dizzy when I get off the bike, my legs feel like jello, and sometimes I have to hop around a bit to stay balanced. But I can still breathe. I guess thats a good sign that my lungs are healing from all of the poisonous garbage I’ve been feeding them for years. Unless they are just kidding me and secretly building up a monsterous malignant cancerous tumor. I guess only time will tell.

I like Wheatus. I don’t care if you don’t like Wheatus but I just want to listen to this song called “Lemonade” all day long. Maybe the dudes voice is annoying but I like it. Just like I like Topher Grace and he’s a dork. But he’s sooooo cute. I watched “Win a Date with Tad Hamilton” last night. I was up till 3am cause I thought the movie would just put me to sleep but instead I loved the movie. I’m a sucker for those dumb romantic girl movies. I was never fond of Mr. Grace on “That 70’s Show” but I saw him on “In Good Company” and thought he was way cuter with normal hair and a more serious attitude. Its amazing what a different hair style can do for ones looks. Anyways, I’m in love now.

My friend Brian is administering an IQ test to my intelligent brain on Wednesday evening. I already know I’m pretty much just average so hopefully my brain will behave and give me a good score. This is the last you’ll hear of it unless I find out I’m a genius, and then I’ll have to brag. Although I’d be quite suspicious if I ended up with a genius score. I hope that there aren’t a lot of those “put the box together” with all the different shapes, or the fold shape things in half with lots of diagrams. I’m HORRIBLE at that geometrical box shape moving squares crap. My brain doesn’t like that. I’m good at the word and number stuff.

Maybe I’ll watch the Steelers game. That is what the rest of Pittsburgh is doing. Or maybe I’ll go hop around outside because nobody will be out there. Yeah right, there are never no people outside in Oakland. People live outside here. Is it normal for football games to start at 9pm? Wow, I must be good luck. I just turned on the television and the Steelers got a touchdown. Whoo, Go me! Ahem, I mean Go Steelers!!!

Adding to the list of disgusting bugs in my apartment: cockroaches. Two dead ones on my kitchen floor. Big ugly black ones. I have officially had a nervous breakdown. Don’t even try to talk to me today, it won’t matter. I’ve concluded that I hate my life all because of the cockroaches. I don’t have a kitty to tell my troubles to. I have nobody to love and come home to. I have nothing. There is nothing good about living alone anymore. I liked the privacy, but now I just want to be loved and I want a family. But I’ve concluded that the only roommates I’ll have anytime soon are cockroaches, spiders, and centipedes. The entire situation would be different if there was someone else here to make me laugh. Instead I’m crying my eyes out because I realized just how sad my life is. How much I hate it. How hopeless I feel. I’d pack my things and move right now but if I did I wouldn’t be able to afford Christmas presents for everyone …. and where would I go anyways? Another lonely small apartment with a whole new set of things I hate. I just wanted to pay off my other credit card first. The additional income from no debt and not smoking should give me enough to live on my own in a nice place. I feel like I’m stuck here forever trying to dig myself out of a hole and someone just keeps throwing more dirt on top of me. I have no furniture either. I can’t afford a new bed and mine is falling apart. Not that I sleep in it but I would if I had a real bedroom. I would if I didn’t fear that the box springs were going to burst through my mattress at any moment and stab a vital organ. I’m a 24 year old girl with nothing. If I died I would have nothing to give to anyone. But I don’t really care because these material things aren’t what is upsetting me. I’m upset because I have nobody. And I have cockroaches. I’ve got to get out. If I stay here one more second I’m going to have my third nervous breakdown of the day.

I’ll be wandering around outside in a bit cause I have to take advantage of these 60 degree days while they’re still around, just like I lick the ketchup off of the plate … you can’t be a waster when its something you really love. For me, nice weather is loved and I cringe when I think about how lucky we are going to be next month to wake up with temperatures above thirty! Ahh! Tomorrow is HALLOWEEN people. You better all be giving out candy like good grown-ups. I’m not giving out any candy because I live in a Crackville and I don’t think we have Trick or Treat here. The crazy homeless people might attack the children or try to blend in with all the other dressed up folks and that could cause a problem.

The upcoming week at work is going to be hellish so I don’t suggest that you try to piss me off in any way. I’m planning an event which is kind of exciting but it is taking place on the 7th and I have nothing for it yet besides a location and a caterer. Those are two important things, but still ….. next week I’m going to be planner extrordinaire by day, violent alcoholic by night. I’ll take out the violent part if you’ll come over and play pretend card games with me. I always want to play cards when I drink, but I don’t remember how to play any games. Guess it is hard to remember things you learned when you were drunk and apply those forgotten skills the next time you are drunk.

I feel like pond scum today. Just thought you’d all like to know that. Once upon a time I was happy and cute ….. but those days are gone and now I’m just filled with nothing because having real feelings is for losers. Cause I’m just a caesar side salad – too good to pass up but not enough to fill up on. Meh, I need more coffee.

So I’ve slowly become somewhat less obsessed with talking about smoking on here, but I’ll briefly mention it today because its officially my one month anniversary! Woohoo! Leave a comment that says congratulations unless you are going to personally call me and say something. And if you don’t, may your leg fall off and may you have no friends to take care of you. That is all on that. Except the other thing I have to tempt you with. My friend and I have devised a plan to buy an island and we’re serious folks. I can’t divulge our ingenious get rich plan because you might try to steal it, but maybe if you are nice to me I’ll send you a free plane ticket and give you somewhere to stay for free. I’ll be rich and I’ll have the power to make you happy. So you make me happy now and I promise I’ll make you happy later.

That’s all. I’m exhausted from work today and I’m just going to open my nice cold can of diet pepsi, make some lasagna, and hibernate. But feel free to love me cause I’m awesome. Oh and if you think my name reminds you of a horse you can …….. Because Nellie is not a horse and it doesn’t even matter because my real life name is so much better than yours.

** Note that I’m very cranky right now and some say I’m quite irrational when cranky. Please don’t take offense to the nonsense I write. It isn’t directed at anyone in particular. **

Outside sucks, my apartment sucks, my television sucks, my computer sucks, I’m dying of boredom and I’m going to stab someone just so I can have some entertainment around here. I’m bored with a capital B. The fuzzy boots and winter coat buying didn’t happen today. I did go to the fuzzy boots and coat store but I didn’t find anything that I liked. Tomorrow I should do laundry because I’ve run out of essential things like um underwear and towels, but if I’m going to slip on ice and get frostbitten from carrying my laundry down the street I guess I won’t. I’ll just have to be naked, and nobody should really mind since nobody sees me. I have plenty of work clothes … I’ll just have to go to work without undergarments. I’m kidding, its not really that bad, I just procrastinate about doing laundry because I hate the process. It isn’t the actual washing, drying, folding process I hate. I hate having to take my laundry to the laundromat and without a car that isn’t very fun. I used to do my laundry at Todd’s house a lot, but he didn’t even invite me to his pumpkin carving party so I doubt he’ll invite me to do my laundry anytime soon. Whatevz. I’m just cranky.

This weekend my friend is having a halloween party but I don’t know if I’m going because I don’t have a halloween costume and I don’t feel like wasting money on one. Really, I’m just not creative or motivated enough to be anything for halloween. I do enjoy halloween but ever since I can remember, I’ve dreaded the costume part. I never know what to be and no matter what I am I just feel itchy and disgusting all night. Back to the party thing. Anyways, my friend lives in a confusing place that would be a miracle if I got there in the first place without getting lost, and after some drinking and fun times I’d be left on my own to return in the night of Pittsburgh and I’d probably just get raped or murdered because I’m scared of Pittsburgh in the dark unless I’m in familiar territory, like Oakland. I could also just stay over night, but I don’t like sleeping at other peoples places. I could go along with someone, that isn’t really the problem. I think I just lack halloween spirit this year. Oh well.

I’ve really got to get out for the day tomorrow. I was out for about two hours today, trying to shop but I just got hot and sweaty in the store and wanted to start stabbing people because my discomfort was making me irritable and I felt gross. I hate this time of year because the ratio of outside to inside temperature is terrible. I’m freezing outside but once I get inside I start sweating and want to rip off my clothes. And everytime something touches me my hair just turns into an electric ball of static and I just want to scream! I should probably do some grocery shopping tomorrow even though I despise doing that too. I just hate everything this week. I don’t know why. I’m just not very happy because I’m feeling so damn frustrated about life and all of the little things are really getting to me. Like spilling coffee or having static in my hair. Normally its no big deal, but I just want to have a temper tantrum and rip someones head off and scream bloody fucking murder. Even though I wouldn’t do it cause I’m not really a murderer. And if I ripped your head off, I’m guessing you’d be kind of dead. I think these Jewish Holidays are getting to me. Maybe I need to go back to work. And maybe I’m a hypocrite and contradict everything I say, but hey I’m a walking contradiction and I ain’t got no right. Yeah!

I’m going out tomorrow to buy myself some fuzzy boots and a new winter coat so I don’t die from hypothermia rather than lung cancer this winter. I gotta make sure I’m covering all my bases in the not dying department cause this quitting smoking thing would be a waste of time and energy if I just died from something else totally preventable! And then Thursday evening will be my one month anniversary. I’m really going to be celebrating it on Friday though because I technically didn’t quit smoking until 10:30 p.m. on September 27th, so I’m rounding it to the 28th which was my first full day of being a non-smoker. So if you want to celebrate my success with me I’ll consider it. That is if you are going to be buying me something cause I like presents. I know I’ve been really “I want I want” lately like the world owes me everything and some more. I guess its just a phase. I feel like everyone owes me some happiness cause its been a crappity few months. And I know I’ve made others feel crappy in my cycle of life-destruction. I’m sorry. It’s going to get better. I promise. I’m feeling tired of making everyone miserable. I just have to go back to the mind set that life isn’t forever and I just need to chill and remember what is important. There are too many good things in the world to continually be pissed off every single day that God gives me life. And before I get into some philosophical discussion with myself about the meaing of life, I’m going to just stop typing. Have a good night all!

UPDATE: I’ve been rented by a clan of mad turkeys. They’re going to tie me up, burn me, and eat me! I’m now a martyr for Thanksgiving. I think one of those turkeys is the same one that is on top of Julie’s TV. Damn you, now turkeys are going to kill humans and take over the world. Don’t hate me ok? Thanks!!

Such a beautiful Monday morning. High 44 today with lots of rain …. what more could a girl ask for! Pittsburgh is such a beautiful place to be this time of year. I just don’t understand why the tourists aren’t flocking in to soak up the rain! Well I’ve decided that I’m not going to take advantage of this beautiful weather even though I have tomorrow and Wednesday off of work this week. Instead I’ve decided to put myself up for rent. For a very reasonable rate too! If you’re asking yourself why you would rent me, then I suggest that you not bother. You should just know that I’m the most awesome girl in the world and just having the pleasure of me in your company is worth the rent you’ll pay. Anyways, the rate for one day is ONLY, get this, ONLY one tasty Thanksgiving dinner all for me! Now you might think you’ll have to be slaving away an entire day in advance to make the rent, but I have a little secret for you. For a small price of only like $7 you can buy me an entire turkey dinner at Kings. Yep, thats it. So for $7 I’m yours for a whole day. Now I know I’m going to be swarmed with offers all day since I’m in such high demand. It is a miracle that my calendar isn’t already full with Thanksgiving dinner dates. I can’t believe I must resort to placing a rental ad.

Well I see that nobody cares about my eye mole/cancer …… and I already know I’m being very pitiful/stupid/whiny … its fun and I like to be fun and if you are not happy that I like fun then you can go away. Today I’m 12 years old and I’m going to act like it! This was quite a halloween weekend! On Friday, Brian and I went to the Station Square Fright Night event. It was kind of rainy and that was sad, but the haunted houses were fun when the scary dudes inside weren’t trying to eat my face. They were really getting too close to my face! A lot of people need some personal space. Oh and there was this really annoying clown that was insulting people so they’d pay money to throw a ball and dunk him in like 20 inches of water. Anyways, I’m starting to feel too old for this stuff. Everyone who goes to those things are like 15 year old groups of annoying kids that smoke cigarettes. Or annoying kids that make out the whole time they are in line. I remember those days and they were fun, but now that I’m old I hate those kids. And later we went to a place and drank White Russian’s (I think) and they had a lot of milk in them but they were good. Good and milk are rarely in the same sentence with me unless its creme for my coffee. I guess alcoholic milk is good! Oh and I learned that trains are stupid (even though I disagree). See, I’m always learning new things!!

Yesterday I had a Wheatus party with myself all day. I just listened to it really loud and danced around since I must have had seven cups of coffee. I was ready to conquer the world! Around 6:30 Julie and I met up and went to several local pharmacy stores in search of Halloween decorations. After going to three different places we were both kind of bummed that we didn’t find any streamers but we had two big bags of stuff so went to Julie’s to decorate. We did a pretty good job with eyeball lights, a skeleton, fake blood, cobwebs, an orange light, a black light, and twenty bags of pumkin things that we stuffed with grocery bags. We made an anarchy symbol on the wall with all the pumpkins. Perhaps Julie will put up some pictures!! Oh and during our decorating escapades, the Jews outside were having a big Sukkot party and Julie was like “Hey look, the Jews have a Suckit booth!” I thought it was really funny cause you don’t pronounce it “Suck it” but I think we all should! So by like 9pm the entire booth was full and they were like square dancing and singing “Ya Ya Ya Ya” and I took a picture from the window. Julie punched me for doing so and then we had to pull the blinds down cause a group of like 15 kids was looking up at her window and pointing. Hehe, sorry!!! So shortly after that we went to the bar down the street and I drank some Hoegarden and a beer with bugs on it. Whoo! And Julie pushed me off the bar stool. You are a violent friend!

Thats about it people. I’m bored. I’m thinking about showering today, but it just seems like it would take soooo much effort. And I’m out of coffee creme and coffee, so I’ll probably just wither away and die. Bye!

Yeah, I just thought you’d all like to know that. I just noticed it the other day. At first I thought it was like a tiny pimple that could be popped cause it is kind of white. I tried to destroy whatever it is, but now my right eye just hurts really bad. It is growing where my bottom eyelashes are on under my right eye and it is almost on the rim of my thing that holds my eyeball in. Heh. I must be growing one of those old people eye moles. EWW!!

UPDATE: It’s getting worse:


Except in real life its white. And getting bigger.

This is for me to brag to the world and to keep myself sane while still continuing to want to stab myself in the stomach to make the cravings go away …. its ok. Here’s to life, healthy lungs, and smelling good!

21 days, 16 hours, 29 minutes and 43 seconds smoke free.
434 cigarettes not smoked.
$103.18 and 3 days, 7 hours of your life saved.
Your quit date: 9/27/2005