Coffeebration

I don’t know what my problem is. I’ve felt distracted lately. Unable to concentrate. I keep losing things and forgetting things. The forgetting isn’t something new. If my leg wasn’t attached to me, I’d lose it somewhere. I lost my social security card and I need it for this verification of my existence at work. It was either that or my birth certificate but I don’t have that either. I’ve never even seen my birth certificate. Maybe I’m actually an alien. I had to replace my makeup yesterday. I spent $30 and only recovered about half of it. And I’ve officially lost all of the souveniers I purchased this summer at the beach. They were in a white bag and they were sitting by my refrigerator for the longest time. I even had my mom and dad join in the hunt at my apartment. We searched for a half hour. Nothing – they’re just gone. There is no way I threw them away … it was a lot of stuff! And now there are two grocery bags sitting on my kitchen table and they are tied in knots. This is not a hobby of mine. Grocery bags get crunched up in balls and thrown into the grocery bag cupboard. I think there is a ghost in my apartment. I believe in ghosts. I also believe in God. Both of my parents are atheists and they don’t believe in ghosts so they’ll just tell me I’m dumb if I tell them I’m scared. Maybe I need to start being a grownup and stop calling them every time I’m scared. Being a grownup is hard. I’m tired of being alone. Independence is great, but I wouldn’t mind sharing a little bit of it with someone.

Did you know that small amounts of carbon monoxide over time can lead to brain damage? I just started reading about carbon monoxide because a while ago I felt so dizzy and sick in my stomach …. and I started to black out. I called my mom and dad. They told me to go outside and get some air. My mom thought I might have some middle ear thing that she gets. Regardless, I’d be calling the ambulance again because I was really dizzy and everything was blurry. So I sat outside for about 20 minutes and felt signficantly better. So now what do I do? Go tell my landlord that he better get someone over here right now to test for carbon monoxide? Because I could be crazy, or it could be something else. Maybe I just had a new kind of panic attack. Or maybe I was having a heart attack or a stroke! Or maybe it was some adverse reaction to my nicotine patch even though I’ve been wearing it damn near a month now. I don’t know! I know I’d feel a lot better if I didn’t have to sleep here tonight because now I have this carbon monoxide thing stuck in my head. It was weird because this morning I took my fan out of the window and cranked up the heat. I’ve been in a completely unventilated area all day. So …. could it be? Could I be dying as we speak …. will I just fall over, pass out, and never be seen alive again? I put my fan back in the window, shut off the heat, and opened the door. THIS IS WHY I NEED A HUMAN BLANKET. Screw heat and carbon monoxide. Guess I better figure out what I’m going to do.

Halloween is now right under my nose and I have done nothing Halloween like this month yet! This is stressing me out because I know I’m running out of time and if I don’t make some plans soon it will be too late! I wanted to go to Kennywood but kind of gave up on that because I didn’t ask anyone to go with me and you don’t really go to Kennywood without someone to ride with. I don’t really care what I do at this point, but I’d like to make some kind of halloween plans with someone at some point before halloween. We’ll see. (UPDATE: I might be going to Station Square on Friday night :P)

I took a vacation day from work today but I’ll be damned if I’m not sitting here at home doing f’ing work, people calling me, sending emails, doing stuff. I was going to sleep until 1pm today!! Garr, I’m pissed. Not really pissed that I have to do stuff, just pissed that when I try to take time off I’m still reminded that I have a job because it NEVER goes away. I can’t ever not be worried about something terrible happening. I hate the drama of this job. I want a job where I sit there and twiddle my thumbs and nothing I do has any effect on the rest of the world. I don’t want to make a difference anymore. I just want to be left alone on my island …. and I want to be rich. I’m selfish and lazy, and I don’t care. (UPDATE: I went to work today after writing this. Dear work: die)

Obviously you should already know that about me by reading my blog, because I don’t write about important things like the economy, news, politics, etc. I write about myself because I think I’m more important than the rest of the world and I complain about ridiculous things. You know, someone left a comment about that a long time ago and it pissed me off so much. This is MY journal/blog/whatever. I don’t publicize it or try to make any money from it. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. What the fuck? Thousands of other people have livejournals and similar things. Not everyone has a great MEANINGFUL blog. I just like to ramble and I like to do it on the internet. I mean I’m not some child molestor raking in innocent children. ( UPDATE: I was lying. I am a child molestor. NOT, just kidding again.)

Maybe I’m just in a bad mood because my stupid f’ing cell phone woke me up at 8am and then I had to get up and do work, and I’m just irritated right now. And I graduated to step two of my Nicotine Replacement Therapy .. so I’m having mad cravings, which are probably in my head, ughh. Damn nicotine addiction. Damn cigarettes. But hey, tomorrow will be three weeks! I’m very proud of myself.

I was in FC over the weekend. I have pictures. Nothing great and exciting for you, but I’m putting them up cause I had a great time and I love pictures and my family. And since I’m more important than the rest of the internet, you better look at them and salivate. You can look at them here. Be warned, there is music too so adjust your volume and listen to my current favorite 90’s song while you browse 😛

Have a seat and take a deep breath. I have shocking news! I’m leaving Pittsburgh …….. for two days. Yeah, sorry thats as shocking as it gets. I’ll never really leave Pittsburgh forever. Unless some cute boy comes along and invites me to live on his tropical island. I’ll be around … there is such as thing as the internet in FC. And I’m not going to be milking any cows, and I don’t live on a farm. I don’t even know how to milk a cow or groom a horse, and I hate flys and other general bugs that are attracted to animals so I’m definitely not a farm girl. I’m going to take pictures of my house, my yard, and the proximity of my house to other houses when I’m home. Where I live looks very similar to middle class suburban areas of Pittsburgh. Seriously, I am tired of people thinking that anything north of Pittsburgh is Amish farm country. I should be back in Pgh sometime by Monday. I’m off of work Mon, Tues, and Weds with nothing to do so again, if you aren’t like everyone I know … busy juggling school AND work, give me a call. If you agree to entertain me for X amount of time I’ll buy you dinner or something. Oh, and just in case I’m not back online every single day this weekend to write about my boring crap life, I just wanted to say have a great weekend everyone!

According to Quitnet:
14 days, 17 hours, 48 minutes and 53 seconds smoke free.
295 cigarettes not smoked.
$70.35 and 2 days, 6 hours of your life saved.

Why do I still want to break things, say vulgar things, rip your face off, and destroy people with the lipstick zapper? Will this ever end!!!!!

1. Right now I feel very sick. I have acid reflux / heartburn / disgusting burniness through my body. Maybe I have lupus. My first boyfriend claimed to have lupus. His name was Bill. His cheeks were kind of sunken in and he told me that when he was little he ate a popsicle and the insides of his cheeks just froze and had to be removed. Or something like that. Ummm.

2. When I was 17 I was probably did a lot worse things than Taylor Behl. And she’s gone. And people rip her apart because she talks aobut things like “sneaking a boy into her room”, drinking alcohol, and smoking cigarettes”. Big deal. You know, I lost my bedroom door for doing a lot worse than that when I was her age. I used to stay out all night, ride with drunk drivers, smoke pot, have sex, steal alcohol, party in fields, get trashed in my bedroom, and get rides from strangers. I guess it wasn’t a big town though. My murder wouldn’t have stayed a mystery for long. I’ve read her Livejournal and her MySpace profile ….. and she doesn’t seem like a bad ass kid at all. In fact, she seems quite mature and rather tame, undramatic, and just kind of normal. The guy that is a suspect in her murder has a LiveJournal and a MySpace account. I believe they met online. However, he was 38 … although truly he looks maybe 25 at the most. People rip this stuff apart. If I went missing, I can just imagine what people would interpret from my rantings. Well by the time they got through all this crap and found something to interpret from my three years of nonsense, I’d already be long gone and half devoured by forest creatures. How about just not abducting me, ok.

3. I once lived in this house. It was creepy there:

4. I used to rollerblade a lot until I sustained massive injuries and decided that I wasn’t meant to be on wheels. This is a picture of all of us cool rollerbladers sitting on a ledge. I don’t know why Julie isn’t in the picture, maybe she took it. Courtney is on the far left. I’m on the far right. I was probably 15 or 16 in this picture.

5. I killed someone with these scissors. This picture was taken in 2002 or 2003.

6. This is my mom. She thinks she’s a ballerina.

7. This was my senior picture. I look nothing like this. I don’t know what they do to these things.

8. Julie and I hugging. Taken at some point a long time ago, age 15-16.

9. Courtney is a lesbian.

10. I still have heartburn, bleh. I wish I had a human blanket. I hate being cold. And I’m cold. Brrr …. goodbye.

Monday is my favorite day, not. Today I stayed late at work because I had something interesting to do for once. Instead of running around like a moron I got to Google things. And that is my favorite thing to do. I heart Google and I want to become a spy. Verifying or disproving information is so fun. That is why I think I’d love to be a background checker or like a private investigator.

I bought a black wig yesterday because I just like to buy things for no reason. No wonder I have no money. Actually, I just bought it because it was only $3.99 and even though I have no idea what I’ll be for Halloween I’m sure I still won’t know 2 hours before I’m supposed to go somewhere and be dressed up and I’ll run to the store to find that the only thing left is a big pink bunny outfit and some weird googly eyes. So I’m just preparing this time. I’m sure there is something I can do with this lovely wig. I am almost positive I am going to be a black cat though. And in that case I think I want a blonde wig so I can contrast all the black I’ll be wearing. I was thinking of getting some cute black capri like pants and wearing some cool zig zaggy tights with my kitty slippers. Not sure what to do about the top of my outfit, or the face part. I’m not very good at making myself up in cat makeup. I’ll figure something out though. Ha, perhaps I should consult with Ashley Simpson on that cause that is like the exact look I’m aiming for …. I may have to add in some whiskers and a pink nose, we’ll see.

Its never going to be warm again and I know it. The rain has come to officially sweep away the last remnants of summer time and I’m really getting sad about it. I hate winter, and that should be obvious from my constant whining about wanting to live on the beach. I hate winter unless its Christmas. December I can deal with, but the October, November, January, February, March, and even April can just bite me. If you think I’m miserable now and have gotten sick of me talking about living in a cave all summer, just wait until its dark by 5pm and negative degrees outside. I’ll most likely just stop writing all together because I tend to do that every winter. I’ll update maybe three times a month, and that’ll be all I can force myself to do. Just kidding, I’m going to become a ballerina this winter and you know that ballerinas are always happy. Oh and maybe I didn’t mention it, but I have a new invention coming out – its a saran wrap / grocery bag insulation outfit that I plan to wear every single day this winter. I am accepting volunteers who would like to try it out. I’ll give you a hefty discount on these very rare, brand spanking new, sure to be VERY expensive once they hit the market, HOTT as in 2 SssExxY 4U, plastic suits. So as you can see my life is very busy and important right now.

I want this week to go away work-wise. I have Thursday off. Then I have to go to work on Friday, but after Friday I’m off till next Thursday so I’m headed of to FC for some family fun, mostly just so I can make my mom tell me that everything is ok. She’s good at boosting my ego and will yell at me for being stupid. And I must look up to her wisdom of life experiences which entail sitting on the couch, reading books, reading books, oh and reading books. She’ll just tell me to stop being sad and get a life. She’ll tell me what I need to hear and that works for me. And usually I’m never stupid or wrong and everyone else is, because I’m her precious daughter and I can do no wrong. So although she yells at me for crying, she thinks every choice I make is right, so its not like she puts me down, she just makes me feel silly for feeling like crap and assures me that everything I’m doing is perfect and will work out fine. Mom’s are good at that. And my dad will find something interesting for me to do, or rant about something, and my mom will be drunk and merry. My brother will show up at some point and really piss off my dad … then he’ll bitch about it to my mom and she’ll go “Oh Robert, stop being ridiculous!” Then my dad will look at me and say that she is unsupportive and flaky and expect me to agree with him. And then I’ll laugh and run off and play with the kitties. Then I’ll visit my grandma who will cook me a feast but refuse to allow me to squirt ketchup on the plate because that looks bad, even though I’m the only one there. Then I’ll tell her that I’ll squirt a pretty design on the plate and make it look all better. Then maybe my grandfather will talk to me about condoms, and my uncle will go “hey” and give me a big hug …. he may or may not have something insane to tell me, but he usually saves the drunken lesbian sex stories for Christmas when he’s completely wasted. I’d say he’d pull a crumpled wad of cash out of his jeans and give it to me, but he only gives me money on my birthday now since I’m a big girl. Anyways, everyone is crazy and down to earth, and just kooky ….. I love being home. I feel like all the sticks that I’ve had to shove up my ass in the past months just so I don’t get fired for being unprofessional will just disentigrate and I can finally sit back, relax and tell everyone that they smell like a gerbil. Aahh, I’ll never miss being with my family. They’re awesome.

Oh yeah, and I just went back in time to 1832 .. it was great. I found my diary too. I’ll be posting an entry from it soon but I will have to type it all because the internet did not exist back then. Wow, my life was sure different. Too bad I had to come back.

Bye.

This weekend has almost completely sucked. Christina Aguilera singing the star spangled banner last night gave me new hope though – just kidding. I had high hopes and was really optimistic when the weekend started. I felt good aside from the fact that I have gained three pounds but I’ve made plans to really get serious on the exercise bike instead of using it as a place to throw clothes. My face is clearing up finally. I am guessing that my face was going through withdrawal from cigarettes like the rest of my body. I tend to get a nasty pimple from time to time, but nothing like what has been going on lately. I’m starting to think I should go back onto birth-control because it guarantees me perfectly clear and smooth skin …. ehh who cares about the crazy hormones, possible blood clots, and increased chances that I will hack someone into tiny little pieces with a chainsaw. Well now that I’m almost a non-smoker maybe everything will be different. Oh and birth-control makes me skinny too …. they should start marketing birth control “pretty on the outside, demon on the inside” …. I don’t know, maybe I should give it another whirl cause lately I’ve been a demon anyways.

On Saturday afternoon I was planning to help Todd decorate his house for Halloween but we got into a terrible fight so I ended up back in my apartment, blubbering and crying and having a nervous breakdown all day. All I could think about was how pissed I was at myself for getting mad …. over something completely dumb. Todd threw my toothbrush away. It hurt me because it made me feel like he never wanted me to come over again ….. ya know “done with her – out goes the toothbrush.” I was sitting at home all day, so angry with myself that I really wanted to harm someone or something, maybe even myself. I couldn’t stop thinking that if I hadn’t been a total bitch I would still be there and we’d be having a great time decorating. I love that kind of stuff. I don’t have a house to decorate or my family closeby anymore and doing that kind of stuff with someone is the kind of thing that makes me feel really connected and close to , and …. Halloween is just awesome. I was really excited about it and I couldn’t stop blaming myself for not being there all day. I just kept looking at the clock and tears would form and I’d just explode becuase I wanted to be there. I didn’t want to be home. I wanted to be with Todd and his cat and his freaking Halloween decorations. So I hated myself.

Later that day I came so close to smoking a cigarette that it was really bad. I bought some. I wasted $5 on a pack of evil cigarettes and then on the way home I was so pissed off at myself that I took the unopened pack and threw them in a sewer thing that rain water drains into. Go me! But let me tell ya … if I had brought a lighter with me I am sure I would have ripped that pack open and smoked one or two … or the whole pack. I had somehow rationalized smoking because since I was wearing the nicotine patch, it really meant that I hadn’t quit yet and I wouldn’t be setting myself back by putting nicotine into my body cause it was still there. Made perfect sense to me …. what could one or two cigarettes do?

Nicotine addiction, alcohol, and being a girl with raging hormones during certain times … this stuff is totally fucking with my life. I don’t even know why I’m upset half the time anymore. Even though it sucks, its so much better than being a prisoner to panic attacks and numb legs …. and at least I know why its happening and I can control it to some degree. But I feel like my tolerance for everything is like 10x less than everyone else. Some people can drink every night and go to work the next day. If I drink to the point that I’m a bit tipsy I might as well forget about getting out of bed the next day because I’ll feel nasty, I’ll have a headache, be dehydrated, and in a pissed off mood all day because I’m the queen of hangovers. Some girls don’t even realize it when its their time of the month, but I’m a total bitch and I want to kill you no matter how cute, nice, sweet, or rich you are. I want everyone with a pulse to be dead. I want the lipstick zapper from that Stephen King movie and I want to zap people into non-existance. I hate the world when I have PMS. And regardless of what is going on in my life I cry all the time. I cry for no reason. Happy things make me cry, sad things make me cry, sometimes a happy frog hopping down the road will make me cry! When I went on vacation this summer I was just sitting on a bench outside of the train station, waiting to board and this girl was getting on the train. Her parents and sister were there, right outside of the door onto the train and they were all hugging her and crying. We were in VA, and the train only went to Florida so I’m assuming she was off to college and taking the auto-train with her car. Her dad looked so sad ….. and it reminded me of my dad, when he didn’t want me to leave … and how much he said he’d miss me. And that reminded me of how much I loved my dad. Then for some reason I just busted out into tears because I missed my dad. So anyways, Todd’s argument and something that he said he really dislikes about me is that I’m irrational. And its true. I’m very irrational at times and I’ll just spew off mean hateful words because I think they’ll hurt your feelings. I say things I don’t mean because instead of taking shit from people I fire back …. even if I have nothing to fire back …. I’ll find something mean to say, or I’ll cry, or maybe I’ll punch you. I’ve done all three of those things in the past day, so its true, I’m insane.

Anyways, since I’m a cigarette craving hormonal crazed bitch, I decided that alcohol would somehow neutralize me. So yesterday I decided to drink some wine. I enjoyed the wine but it made me really wish I hadn’t thrown the cigarettes in the sewer hole a few hours earlier. So I came home and had another crazy fight with Todd over the phone. I was mostly pissed at him because he took a birthday card to Kelly the other day. I hate the word “Kelly” ….. it makes me want to puke. I have nothing against her and I don’t wish her dead, I just want her to go away. Kelly is the MySpace girl that Todd decided to form a friendship with without letting me know. It wasn’t until I read some comments on his MySpace blog that I found out they’d been hanging out … and I didn’t even know she existed because she wasn’t even listed as a friend on his account. So then he deleted his account, because it was causing him too many problems and he was sick of the porn friend requests …. whatever, I think he just wanted to cover his ass so I’d have one less resource to “spy” on him with. Anyways, old news …. this happened back in August so whatever. But this is what caused the whole thing to start. And the thing that really gets to me is that they’ve been friends for like three months now, and she still doesn’t know that I exist. To her, Todd is just good ol’ single nice guy and that is what makes me so mad. Because I’m still a secret. Because I’m NOT his girlfriend right now even though we’ve been together for nearly three and a half years. I’m mad because he wanted to keep her a secret from me and I could go on with a list of reasons why he did it …… but I’m not. If you are thinking it, then I probably have already thought of it and fought about it … and I’m sticking with the most simple assumption because it really isn’t a complicated issue. And I don’t care if they are just friends, if she is interested in someone else, if she’s not really that cute in person, or whatever other excuse Todd tells me. It doesn’t matter because she doesn’t know that he’s in a relationship with someone else and I think that when you start to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex, that eventually this needs to be discussed … i.e. – I just like you as a friend, I’m kind of with someone else, I’m available, come screw me, etc. So if you say nothing …. then what does the other think? I totally believe that girls and guys can be “just friends”. In fact, I like guys better than girls and I wish all of my friends could be guys (except Julie cause she’s special). But at some point there needs to be clear communication on the issue of being “just friends” and I don’t really think Todd is sending her that message since they went to a Gateway Clipper dance together and she is going to his fraternity formal with him next month. And don’t even get me started on that.

So anyways, I’m sorry if I’m a nut right now and my life isn’t usually full of drama ….. even though I don’t really consider this drama, just the “shit” in my life, and I suppose you could call this “dirty laundry” or something, and maybe I should just keep it to myself, but its better than talking about how I went to the grocery store and bought some green peppers since that is the real excitement in my life. Let me tell ya. And I’m not really feeling like being funny or telling stupid stories right now. I’m upset and going through a tough time and I’m going to write about it because its a free world and its not like more than 8 people read this website so I’m not too concerned about being on the cover of STAR or GLOBE. Call it gossip, trash, what you will … I don’t really care because I’m not really a fun person lately and if I’ve been distant or un-talkative, that’s why. Because life sucks and thats how I deal. And if you have reached the end of this and truly read it all, you deserve a big gold star. Remind me to stick one on ya and give you a big kiss next time a see you.

Bye!!

So instead of the usual rant about how I feel while trying to be vague about the facts which ends up making no sense whatsoever, I have decided to list everything that happened today and how it made me feel. It won’t be exciting, I guarantee so just go up to your address bar and type in another destination and hit enter. I won’t be offended …. I’m just writing to kill some time and hopefully clear my brain so I can go to sleep.

1. Woke up at 6:30 a.m. – hit snooze many times, finally dragged myself out of bed around 7:30. Took a shower, wanted to smoke real bad (but didn’t), drank some coffee, perused the internet.
Feelings: Tired, cranky, deprived, edgy …. typical morning. A cigarette would have made it much better.

2. By 8:40 a.m. there was already a crisis at work. My dear friend who stopped in for a hug and to say goodbye was on his way to the airport to return to his home country. I’ll probably never see him again. Oh he also stopped in for his last check, which our ever so wonderful accounting department forgot about … AGAIN. Grr.
Feelings: Sad, annoyed

3. The semi-new kid who is unofficially my assistant ran out of things to do. Not that there isn’t plenty of work to do but its kind of hard to perform simple work functions with a brand new computer that has no office programs … or any programs except notepad and paint, and like the windows calculator. So he’s been here nearly a month now and they managed to have a brand new computer shipped over and set up …. but they are kind of defeating the purpose here. Computers aren’t too useful if you don’t have like software and stuff.
Feelings: Annoyed and Irritated

4. A little after 5 p.m. Todd called me and asked if I wanted to go get something to eat at like Eat ‘n Park. So we went and I got a Turkey sandwich, mashed potatoes, corn and gravy.
Feelings: Very happy

5. Went to Todd’s house and saw kitty. He had lots of love and slobber for me 🙂
Feelings: Very happy

6. I layed down on the bedroom with the air-conditioning on and was unconscious from the hours of 7 p.m. – 10 p.m.
Feelings: Unconscious

7. Woke up and sat in the living room
Feelings: tired, blah, bored

8. Got into an argument with Todd in the car over something stupid but now we probably won’t talk for days again …. or it will just be fighting … or nothing, or I just don’t know. I’m trying, but it just seems like I’m not accepting or forgiving enough. Or I’m just not getting the big picture. I don’t know what to do. I just fucking hate feeling like this, hate it hate it hate it. I want everything to be perfect with a cherry on top but thats only gonna happen with a bad fake cherry on top right now. I just can’t make myself feel ok about it no matter what I do.
Feelings: confused, tired, sad, frustrated, arghh

So thats about it people. Oh and tomorrow its going to be like 60 degrees and that sucks. But its Friday so that’s good. I’m sure I’ll do absolutely nothing, but hey … thats what I do best. Sorry for the crappy reading material. I’ll try harder next time.

So back when hockey was on, which seems forever ago … I used to have this tactic. Of course, being from Pittsburgh I cheer for the Penguins. They don’t always win. Anyways, watching hockey makes me nervous for some reason. Its just so touch and go …. unlike football which I don’t understand anyways. At least in football there are all of these steps leading up to a touch-down. But in hockey, its like one second nothing and the next second WHAM, someone scored a goal. And the players are like always trying to kill each other. It’s just too much action for me. Usually I cringe and hide my eyes when I get nervous, but when we are like really far behind I just turn off the TV. Yes, I turn it off. Maybe I’m jinxed, but something always happens when I turn off the TV … or say go to the bathroom. So tonight I started getting a bit upset when they started losing like a lot …. so I went to the store to buy some diet pepsi. Afterall, a trip to the store only takes 5 minutes. And I was happy for a few minutes. The Indian man gave me some free Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and some watermelon flavored certs in a round tin thing. He said it will help me not smoke. I love the Indian man and I love free stuff. So I came back and woohoo, the Pens scored a goal. Eh, they are still going to lose. They’re just holding out on their true talents until November 12 – cause I might really be going to a real live game. That will be exciting! And on a totally unrelated note, I’m posting a few random pictures I’ve taken in the last month. None of me of course. Nobody ever takes pictures of me. I always have the webcam though.