Coffeebration

So I had a rather amusing night in the world of chatting online. I get bored, ok … and I typically don’t even talk to anyone I don’t know online, but I guess I’ve been giving it a shot lately. I mean the only other way is to actually go outside and be social … yeah right.

So anyways, a few weeks ago I made this profile at a site called okCupid. I have found it to be rather lame, but I login once in a while to see if anyone has sent me a message, even though the messages I typically get are horrible. The okCupid site has this built in instant messaging and if you appear online someone can message you. There is some dude that must live on the site 24/7 because anytime I login he sends me a message. I ignored him the first few times and then I finally decided to respond. He didn’t have much to say other than ‘hey I’m about to leave, wanna meet up with a nice Jew boy like me?’ I was like ‘uh sorry, I’ll pass’. Nothing against his religion or anything, but I didn’t know anything about him, and I don’t typically ‘meet up’ with people.

Since the last (and first) time we spoke, I removed my pictures from the site because the people on there scare me and perhaps I feel I have fulfilled my need in meeting people, but today I logged in, and he messaged me again … obviously forgetting that he had once messaged me before. And for those of you who don’t know, my online name usually has the word “Nellie” in it somewhere … it is my fun online name.

So the conversation went a little something like this:

him: hey how are them air force one’s treating you
me: what?
him: well you are nellie
me: aren’t you clever
him: yes and blunt, is your dress size larger than a 7?
him: i’m tired of meeting thick beasts
me: well you aren’t going to meet anyone with that attitude
me: and i’m not a thick beast but i’m not a jew either, sorry i don’t fit your criteria
him: you don’t have to be a jew, you just can’t talk like a yinzer or have arms that are thicker than mine
me: and jews don’t talk like yinzers?
him: i don’t know, i haven’t taken a census
me: What, you too good for us pittsburgh folks?
him: no, i just know what i want
him: c’mon, damn girl
him: i’ve had some good dome from some trashy pittsburgh girls, so its all good
me: that is nice
me: maybe you might just believe you are talking to a normal person instead of assuming i’m a fat trashy yinzer
him: ok so what do you do?
me: i actually work for a jewish organization, how about that
me: I bet your people wouldn’t employ fat trashy gals, so i guess i’m not one
him: you son of a bitch
him: you must be a hot lil’ babe and shame on you for not putting up a pic!
me: well i had one up the first time you talked to me
me: guess your memory isn’t that good
me: must of liked what you saw … too bad

Then … not even two minutes after I logged out, someone IM’d me from MySpace and was asking me about my screen name, and said:

MySpace Guy: Maybe you wear Air Force Ones
MySpace Guy: Have a grill
MySpace Guy: wear a band-aid on your face

How freaky is that … I was getting paranoid that it was the same person! And doesn’t he spell his name with a ‘Y’
Maybe I should change my alias to say … something sweet like ‘anorexic buttercup’. Would that get the right message across? Ughh. People suck.

I never really made any ‘real’ friends in college that I met in class. I’m just not a social butterfly I guess. In my last semester of college … way back in December 03, I had a business communications class. In this class, we formed groups of four or five for the semester to work on projects and presentations together. We had to work on things a lot outside of class, so one of the first things we did was exchange email addresses and phone numbers. There was this one guy in my group, somewhat of a charming and very unique individual. I clicked with him right away, and soon we found each other communicating daily by email about our projects. Somehow we formed our own little group and didn’t really always consult with the others. I’d have to say we were the group leaders though. There were two other people in the group, but they didn’t contribute much and pretty much let the two of us set the group meetings and come up with the great ideas. There was just something about the way he said my name … and when I’d call him on the phone about something … he always answered ‘Hey Jess’. Ok, not heartbreaking or anything, but he always seemed to have time to chat and really enjoyed talking to me. I was with Todd at the time and wasn’t trying to develop a crush on him or anything, but he certainly gave me the feeling that I was more than just a pesky group member in one of his classes. It was his last semester too and he had plans to travel around because he had family in a lot of other parts of the United States. He wasn’t sure if he was going to settle down in Pittsburgh.

I remember one of our last conversations. I came into class with a juice box of apple juice and he said to me ‘I’m so jealous of your apple juice’. And I said, ‘Would you like some?’ He answered, ‘No, I caught a cold from my little two year old niece, and I’d probably make you sick.’ I said I was sorry he wasn’t feeling well and he replied that he knew he’d get sick from being around her but that sometimes it was just worth it. I don’t know why, but that little conversation just sticks in my head. Anyways, the end of the semester came and I passed the class, graduated, and went to my parents for Christmas. On Christmas Day I looked at my phone and saw I had a voicemail. When I checked it, it was him … he had left the most sweet and amazing message wishing me a Merry Christmas, and it was truly sincere and sweet. I was shocked. I figured I’d never hear from him again. And you know what, I was my usual awkward self. I never called him back or sent him another email … I just let it go. Because I knew that it was something that could have developed into more than just friendship and I was in a relationship, although I don’t think I ever mentioned it to him. But we didn’t really talk much about our personal lives. Anyways, I often wonder about him. I wonder if he is still in Pittsburgh, if he moved on and is living his dream, or if he ever thinks about me … does he even remember me? Not that I think he was the one and I let him go … no, it was just that he really touched me in some way and I wish I would have gotten to know him better. I regret never returning his call, really. I Googled him a few times, but never came up with anything. Sometimes I think about sending him an email but it was over two years ago since we last spoke. He probably doesn’t even have the same email. But it is worth a shot … I know. But I don’t know what I’d say. He’d probably think I’m a nut. Anyways, it is weird … I usually don’t connect with people that easily or feel bad about brushing them aside, but he was different. Just makes me wonder what was there … and what would have happened if I wasn’t such a wuss.

A few days ago I feared my computer was getting ready to take off into the sky. Seriously, it was making a noise like a helicopter, so loud that I’m sure the upstairs neighbor could hear it. For being less than a year old, this computer has already had its share of ailments. I already lost a hard-drive that was unsalvagable without the aid of a data restoral program which did let me get all of my documents back. This time I decided not to take any chances and I finally utilized that fancy DVD burner I have and I backed up all my stuff. It isn’t making the noise today … not sure if that is good or bad. After taking it apart and unplugging various things from the motherboard, I concluded that it was just my case fan that was dying. I called Radio Shack and they have fans there, and hopefully they have one that will fit into my computer. The other dilemma is that I have no idea how to get the case fan off of the computer. I do not see screws or brackets and this kind of confuses me. Hopefully it will come off if I just pull on it … but that doesn’t really help me figure out how I’m going to stick a new one on. I guess I always used to have someone to help me with this type of computer problem … but I’m good at figuring things out. Afterall, I don’t really need anyone for anything … yep that is my motto. Because people suck and they go away … but I will never go away from myself. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be depending on myself for mostly everything for the rest of my life.

Other than that, I really have absolutely nothing to talk about that isn’t depressing-ish. I guess I’ve been kind of down on life lately, and it isn’t particularly fun. There is no special reason … just a crappy time of year, feeling alone, having nothing really exciting to look forward to. I need some sunshine and warm weather. I think I might just book myself a flight to Florida and spend a few days there. Of course I doubt I have the balls to go by myself. I’ve never even been on an airplane, and I don’t plan on traveling on one solo the first time I try it out. Anyways, not much else … just checking in and verifying that I didn’t fall down, hit my head, and bleed to death on my bathroom floor.

I’m going to eat a Santa Fe salad from Arby’s today. I’ve discovered that Arby’s has much better salads than Wendy’s. I’m hooked. I’m hungry today. Hungry until the food is sitting in front of me and I feel like someone punched me in the gut and food just doesn’t seem appealing anymore. I hate feeling the hunger-killing anxiety, but it happens. I don’t know why. I’m not anxious at all. Rather, I’m feeling sluggish and depressed. When I’m anxious I just clean a lot. And I haven’t even bothered to take down my Christmas decorations. Yesterday I didn’t even drink coffee. Yes, drop your jaw in shock. I went a day without coffee!

I blame it on February. I hate February. And I don’t even have Valentines Day to look forward to. Not that I ever did really. Every boyfriend I ever had sucked and celebrated Valentines Day for the first year and then that was it. What is that? I mean, it is all cute and sweet the first year, and after that all the fun and glory of being in a relationship is over and I have to beg for a freakin’ card or a piece of chocolate. Well, maybe I’ve just had shitty boyfriends. And Valentines Day is the best time of year to buy anything for a girl. Girls are the ones that should dread it … guys don’t want fuzzy stuffed animals and heart boxes of candy. They don’t want random things covered with hearts … but you can buy me all the fuzzy heart covered crap in the world and I’ll be the happiest girl in the world. I’ve always struggled coming up with something unique and romantic for a guy for Valentines Day. Luckily I never had to compete much, my presents that I received always pretty much sucked anyways. I’m not picky, but what is so hard about buying cheesy cute stuff? Girls like that, if they didn’t the stores wouldn’t have aisles upon aisles of that crap from January 2nd on. And if you are a girl and you are disagreeing with me, sorry … I just buy into Valentines Day. It is a day to be sweet and cute … and show your affection. What is so wrong with that?

Anyways, I’m being cheesy and dreaming too much. I need to do stuff now. I’ve been a slug all weekend, I need to get off my ass.

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P.S. – I fixed my page for all of you FireFox people. I don’t know how it looks in anything other than I.E. or Firefox, but I finally got the motivation to figure out why everything was squished at the top of the entries. I didn’t fix the gap on the sidebar. It all looks fine in I.E. so just use it, ok thanks.

Apparently this formula holds true for people in U.S., Canada, and Britian

Today is most depressing day of the year: report
Updated Mon. Jan. 23 2006 1:06 PM ET
CTV.ca News

Bad weather, unfulfilled New Year’s resolutions and credit card debt left from the holidays contribute to making this year’s federal election day the most depressing of the year, according to a British psychologist.

Dr. Cliff Arnall, who created the mathematical formula last year to determine the best day for a summer holiday, says the factors that contribute to seasonal depression are at their peak near the last week of January.

The formula found Monday, Jan. 23 to be this year’s worst day.

“You try a new regime, a diet regime or quitting smoking and it’s after about five, 10 days that people start to realize they’re not managing to keep to their resolution,” the Cardiff University professor told CTV’s Canada AM Monday.

“They start feeling low and beating themselves up and thinking ‘what with the weather I’m feeling pretty low,’ then you’ve got the money situation on top of that as well.”

“You’ve got, you know, low temperature, you’ve got sleet, rain, low cloud base as well,” he said. “There’s kind of a feeling that you’re being kind of almost pressed into your house and the feeling of not wanting to go out.”

Arnall’s formula also takes into account the “general Monday morning feeling,” and the fact that many shoppers are now getting their credit card bills and realizing they overspent during the holidays.

The head of the Canadian Psychological Association says the results of Monday’s federal election will likely further impact moods, especially those of the losers.

“It can be a very difficult experience for a candidate and those people that work hard for them to lose an election,” John Service told The Canadian Press.

“It’s a very public loss that you’ve invested a great deal of time and energy and emotion into, and so has your family and so has your friends and supporters, so they do feel let down.”

Service advised candidates to understand that feeling low after losing is normal, and says taking a few days to rest and get back to pre-campaign eating and sleeping routines can make a big difference.

To avoid the annual slump, Arnall suggests keeping fit and mentally active and volunteering for a good cause, as helping others boosts self esteem.

Research by the Community Service Volunteers, the U.K.’s largest volunteer training organization, confirms this. The group found half of people who have volunteered for more than two years feel less depressed, and 63 per cent of 25 to 34-year-olds say they feel less stressed after volunteering.

Last year’s most depressing day, according Arnall’s formula, was Jan. 24.

Well I am officially a Steelers fan … not that I wasn’t always a Steelers fan, of course I’d never cheer for any other team … I’m not a sucky fair weather fan. It is just hard to get me excited about football. I’m officially excited now. PITTSBURGH IS GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL ….. I was about fourteen the last time this happened but I don’t recall any special superbowl party. I do remember the great superbowl party of 1996-97 which was the following year and I believe it was the New England Patriots vs. Green Bay Packers. Excuse me if I’m wrong, but most of my memories of that day did not revolve on the actual game, but more about getting to hang out with my friends. I remember that my boyfriend at the time got in trouble by his parents and had to go home. His parents sucked. I also remember that I hated the New England Patriots because this girl I disliked really liked them. So I cheered for Green Bay … since it sounds like ‘Green Day’. Hahahaha, what a way to pick a team! Unless I’m thinking of another year … I hate mixing up years, must mean I’m getting old.

This year I couldn’t scream and go woo since I have some type of voice destroying and bad bad virus. I have lost my voice to the point where I can’t even squeak. I’m literally mute. Thank you prescription medicine that not only makes me feel not sick (other than not being able to go wooo and scream), it also makes me believe I can perform circus acts and sprint a mile with no lung capacity. At least I’ll feel good when I drop over dead! I have a Steelers picture of me being dumb but I’ll save it for tomorrow. I’m tired and should go to bed.

P.S. – My CoffeeCat would appreciate comments here regarding his awesome Steelers helmet.

Bye!

So here I go … again

The other day my relationship with the guy I’ve been seeing for about the past two months ended. I went through the stages of sad, angry, sad, angry, and now I’ve just accepted that perhaps it wasn’t meant to be. My biggest problem is that when I find someone I like, I decide that it doesn’t have to be perfect because I can accommodate it. I tried to be accommodating to him in every way possible. I didn’t fuss that he didn’t like to talk on the phone, didn’t complain about endless hours spent watching sports, and never said ‘no’ when he asked if I wanted to do something. I was crazy about him because he made me feel great, but I don’t really feel like I ever got to know him or that he got to know me. I guess I just got stuck in that phase of being infatuated with him and telling him how great or cute he was all the time. There was definitely a physical attraction for me … but beyond that, I guess it just wasn’t going anywhere further.

Maybe it was a bad idea to jump into something with someone else so quickly. I don’t like to compare people, but he was the complete opposite of Todd. I didn’t think about it often, but it crossed my mind once in a while. It didn’t bother me, but it made me uncomfortable sometimes. Because I was 100% comfortable saying anything, discussing anything, having debates, or just acting goofy around Todd. And to have to second-guess everything I said around Brian just made me not want to say anything at all sometimes. I wasn’t that concerned and figured things would evolve over time and begin to feel normal. Mostly it is me, I guess. I’m so out of synch with reality, the world around me, my friends …. everything is just messed up and it was messed up even the whole time I was seeing him. Being with someone for three years, and basically the entire time I’ve been in Pittsburgh has pretty much defined ‘my life’ for the past few years. Without Todd, I don’t really know what my life is or who I am anymore. We had a pattern … we talked every day, we spent weekends together, we had dinner together, we shopped together, 90% of the stuff I did that mattered was with him. We had common interests like computers, shopping, flea-markets, yard-sales, cats, eating out, and talking about everything imaginable. I was out with my friend the other day and just talking about everything made me realize that I actually miss the things that Todd and I did together more than I miss him. May sound crazy, but when you lose someone you are close to, you lose part of yourself … and for me that means that I just don’t know what to do with myself or my time … or what to talk about. Todd was who I was for 3 1/2 years. He was there with me through the good times and the bad times … and we would talk for hours about life and through him I learned a lot about myself. I had never known anyone who was so willing to talk about anything and not hold back at all. I never knew what ‘communication’ meant before I met him.

Maybe I was just trying to grasp onto someone else to fill that void, but that someone was not Todd, nor should he have been. But being so completely different in almost every single aspect kind of freaked me out. And I was scared. I feared that if things didn’t work out between us then I’d have nobody … and I don’t really remember what that is like. It seems I’ve always been attached to someone. But I held back so much … because I was scared to be myself, to communicate, to disagree with anything … but maybe if I would have been things would have turned out differently. Ughh, who knows. It was like I was too worried about where it had potential to go rather than where it actually was. But I wasn’t doing much to make it go anywhere, ha … I couldn’t even bring myself to refer to him as ‘my boyfriend’ when I spoke about him to other people. So now it will just change from ‘the guy i’m seeing’ to ‘the guy i was seeing’ … not that labels are important, but I guess saying ‘boyfriend’ would have suggested I felt that we were actually ‘in a relationship’ and I don’t think I really felt we were. Sometimes you just jump into it and give it everything you’ve got like you have nothing to lose … like I did with Todd. That seemed to work … but this time (four years older and getting less patient), I felt like I had everything to lose and I didn’t want to have my heart broken all over again. For some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to give it everything I had, or maybe I just don’t have what I used to have, maybe I’ll never fall in love again, or maybe I’ve just had it with men. Now I just have get out of the ‘he was the best guy you’ll ever meet, way to go Jess’ mindset.

I think it is time to just be alone for a while. Get more involved with things I used to do, hang out with my friends more, and make myself my number one priority instead of trying to ‘make things work’ by gluing myself to someone just because I’m afraid that I’ll end up alone forever. I need to get that out of my head and just get on with life. But that is hard when everyone else I know seems to be permanently attached to someone. And I am jealous of it because I want to fall madly in love and find the man of my dreams … but I guess I just can’t pick someone and decide he is going to be the one and that I will make it happen no matter what … oh and of course I will make that happen quickly since I’m tired of wasting my time (just kidding). But it is so hard to accept that I spent 3 1/2 years with someone and now there is nothing, it is over, done, gone. How many more times will this happen?

But acting the way I am now, I have to wonder – how many more times will I meet someone who is wonderful … that I’ll just drive away because I’m too focused on ‘the future’ rather than just getting to know him. I’m impatient I guess, and that impatience is just going to get more of where I am right now, nowhere. Sometimes I feel like it is never going to happen, that I’ll just continue to latch onto anyone who shows interest in me and try to make him be ‘the one’ … or more likely make ‘myself’ be the one for him … and just drive both of us crazy and continue to think that the only thing important in life is a guy, and it isn’t, I know. Of course I’m exaggerating a bit here. Obviously I haven’t gone on ummm … any dates in a long time. Brian was not the only person in the world I could have gone on a date with if I wanted to … but I didn’t even want to date anyone. It just happened … he just appeared, and it just seemed right. He wasn’t your ordinary guy, he was a needle in a haystack kind of guy … really truly, so I told myself to do what my heart was telling me. And I thought it was telling me that there was something special there … that it was right, that it was meant to happen. Of course my heart and intuition mislead me just as often as they steer me in the right direction. I guess every decision in life is a gamble … and you can’t go back, no matter how much you wish you could.

So I know I don’t make much sense. On one hand I have this crazy urge to ‘find the one’ yet I can’t bring myself to be the girl that can be truly committed to someone. Then again, I guess it depends on the person. Perhaps I’m better suited to someone who is more open and goofy … and isn’t afraid to say anything to me. Then I’ll feel like I can do it too without the fear that I’m going to freak them out and drive them away. Anyways, I’m done with this … I’m not very good at expressing myself past the extent of ‘I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m mad.’ Haha.

Maybe I should make some more single friends … and find a job with less pregnant married women my age. I can’t help it … I look around and feel so much pressure. What is wrong with being a 24 year old single gal these days?

And so you have finally come to the end … and you are still left with the question, ‘so what happened?’ I don’t really have a simple answer, other than what I wrote. That is my take on it. I’m broken … or at least highly dysfunctional.

Today I went down. Literally. I stepped off the curb in front of my house on the way to work, and I just fell down. Right on my knees onto the cold hurty pavement. It hurts, my knees are bandaged and bloody. No surprise, I’m quite notorious for tripping over myself, falling down, and looking like an idiot. Thankfully nobody was around to care and feel sorry for my stupidity of not paying attention to where I was walking.

Anyways, that is about it. Just thought you all needed to know I’m retarded.

So I think that GOOGLE should create a service where you can pay to have your name removed. I love GOOGLE and I guess I’d be pissed if others had this service because then I couldn’t play Google detective, so I want it just for me. I don’t want to be on their search engine. Not that anyone is looking for me, but I don’t want anyone to be able to look for me. I want to not exist. I thought I was safe from it for a while, but now Googling my full name, last name, or first initial and last name comes up with several different links to my existence. Ughh. I’m officially changing my name to my Cabbage Patch doll’s name. You can google her, it just comes up with obituaries. I can live with that. You might wonder why I’m such a freak and I honestly don’t have an answer for you. You can ask me anything because I don’t have much to hide … of course everyone has a few things they’d like to keep from the world, myself included … but you won’t find that on Google anyways. And you wonder why I keep a blog or post pictures of myself and my friends … and I can’t give you an answer that doesn’t make me sound like a hypocrite unless you can understand that I like the internet, but I want to control who can see it and what they know. Perhaps I should buy the internet and make all new rules to suit me. The internet is great though.

Other things bother me too, like the Giant Eagle Advantage Card, the CVS Card, credit cards, background checks, credit reports, and anything else that has information about me that others can have. I hate the mail. It is such a chore for me to actually go out to my mailbox and retrieve it … so I don’t. It is like an extra garbage can and if I can’t see it or smell it, then I’ll just ignore it. I got a new key for my mailbox today from landlord man because apparently the key stopped working and the mail people are no longer delivering my mail. And I wouldn’t know because I avoid the mailbox. Well I did get a new UPMC health insurance card in the mail. I might need that next time I stab myself and end up in the ER. I pay my bills online and I don’t keep paper records of my bills. Why should I? If I reallly need it someone else has it. I believe that keeping paper copies of everything is pointless. For instance, if I really needed my credit card statements from the past two years, I could call up Visa and ask them to fax them to me. I can access the past twelve months of statements online so why should I keep them? All of my bills are automatically debited from my checking account. I write one check a month … and that is for my rent. I will probably never have to order checks again. So yeah, I’m all about the paperless world. I don’t balance my checkbook either (ooh yell at me). Why should I? I use my debit card like 80 times a week. I’d have to keep all the receipts, dig them out of my pockets, and record it all. It is a huge waste of time when I can just login to my bank account online and get up to the minute details and see my balance. Of course I check it daily just to make sure nobody has stolen my money or charged me for something I didn’t buy, so it is all good.

So maybe I’m stupid, but I really see no point in keeping records. I recently was talking to a girl in accounting at work and she was horrified. But then she went on to talk about how she had shoeboxes full of stuff that she needed to ‘file’. But when I asked her why I needed to keep stuff, I don’t recall her giving me a good answer. Am I going to go to jail or have a shitty life for throwing away my mail? And don’t tell anyone … but sometimes I throw away pennies, but just a few. Like if I’m on a cleaning spree and am cleaning something out and have the garbage bag right next to me. If I see a penny … sometimes it just goes in the trash. I always keep shiny things like nickels, dimes, and quarters though.

And you always thought I was such a practical and thrifty girl … I bet you are shocked.

Yesterday I had posted that staying up all night and sleeping all day wasn’t good for my health. This morning I thought I was going to die. I hate feeling like this because I never know if my physical symptoms are normal or if I should run to the doctor. I tried to go to sleep around midnight last night, but found myself tossing and turning and feeling uncomfortable. I had a million things running through my mind … and surprisingly none of them were work related. I get the best of myself and I have nobody to blame but myself. Although I am not the most optimistic person in the world, I find myself daydreaming of grandiose things that I hope will come true, and when they don’t, I feel disappointed. And when I feel disappointed, I feel that my life sucks and I get into a bad mood for a few days. I daydream too much, I guess. In real life I try to be practical and just be like “ok whatever” but in my thoughts … I dream about the perfect life. And I’m certainly not living my dream, so I guess that is what makes me get this sudden wake-up call every once in a while and I get in a horrible mood for a few days.

So this morning I woke up and felt ok. I felt more tired than usual, considering I slept a lot all weekend, and I did get about 5 hours of sleep. I shouldn’t have felt that bad. I stood up to make coffee and while I was rinsing out the coffee pot this horrid feeling of dizziness came over me. And I got really cold, but it wasn’t a shivering kind of cold. It felt like someone had rubbed that icy-hot stuff all over me. I felt like a breathsaver or something. Then I got that hollow feeling in my ears, like you get when your ears ring, except mine weren’t ringing. I couldn’t even shut off the water, I thought I was going to pass out right there. I walked over to the couch and layed down and squeezed my eyes shut. I took a few deep breaths and stood back up and managed to get coffee started. I took a shower, had a cup of coffee, and made it to work. I still feel horrible though. I’m sick in my stomach, I’m dizzy, and I’m cold. The last time I felt like this was in November after drinking that horrible wine. I thought I was just hungover though … really bad. I decided I was never drinking wine again after that. I haven’t had any alcohol since Christmas so that isn’t it.

I’m not trying to complain, I just don’t know if it is anxiety and stress or if something is seriously wrong with me. But when I’m happy this doesn’t happen. I had a bad weekend though. I was in a bad mood over nothing really … but I couldn’t seem to shake it. I don’t think I’m depressed, but sometimes I wonder if I am a little bit. I get these stages where I just don’t want to do anything at all. When I’m happy it is like that seratonin stuff is just spurting out of my brain because I’m happy and bouncy and I have all this extra energy and I probably act rather annoying. I want to run around and do the happy dance and I talk a lot. Then comes the day where everything is shit … like I have no seratonin at all, or I used it all up being extra bouncy and happy and talkative. And then I’ll feel fine again for a long time and when I feel fine I don’t even think about not feeling fine because I don’t want that feeling to come back.

Maybe I’m just a freak. I know there are people out there that have it far worse, but I just want to feel like a normal functioning human being. I don’t want to feel like I have to curl up in a ball and tell myself that everything is ok for everything to be ok.