Coffeebration

This weekend has almost completely sucked. Christina Aguilera singing the star spangled banner last night gave me new hope though – just kidding. I had high hopes and was really optimistic when the weekend started. I felt good aside from the fact that I have gained three pounds but I’ve made plans to really get serious on the exercise bike instead of using it as a place to throw clothes. My face is clearing up finally. I am guessing that my face was going through withdrawal from cigarettes like the rest of my body. I tend to get a nasty pimple from time to time, but nothing like what has been going on lately. I’m starting to think I should go back onto birth-control because it guarantees me perfectly clear and smooth skin …. ehh who cares about the crazy hormones, possible blood clots, and increased chances that I will hack someone into tiny little pieces with a chainsaw. Well now that I’m almost a non-smoker maybe everything will be different. Oh and birth-control makes me skinny too …. they should start marketing birth control “pretty on the outside, demon on the inside” …. I don’t know, maybe I should give it another whirl cause lately I’ve been a demon anyways.

On Saturday afternoon I was planning to help Todd decorate his house for Halloween but we got into a terrible fight so I ended up back in my apartment, blubbering and crying and having a nervous breakdown all day. All I could think about was how pissed I was at myself for getting mad …. over something completely dumb. Todd threw my toothbrush away. It hurt me because it made me feel like he never wanted me to come over again ….. ya know “done with her – out goes the toothbrush.” I was sitting at home all day, so angry with myself that I really wanted to harm someone or something, maybe even myself. I couldn’t stop thinking that if I hadn’t been a total bitch I would still be there and we’d be having a great time decorating. I love that kind of stuff. I don’t have a house to decorate or my family closeby anymore and doing that kind of stuff with someone is the kind of thing that makes me feel really connected and close to , and …. Halloween is just awesome. I was really excited about it and I couldn’t stop blaming myself for not being there all day. I just kept looking at the clock and tears would form and I’d just explode becuase I wanted to be there. I didn’t want to be home. I wanted to be with Todd and his cat and his freaking Halloween decorations. So I hated myself.

Later that day I came so close to smoking a cigarette that it was really bad. I bought some. I wasted $5 on a pack of evil cigarettes and then on the way home I was so pissed off at myself that I took the unopened pack and threw them in a sewer thing that rain water drains into. Go me! But let me tell ya … if I had brought a lighter with me I am sure I would have ripped that pack open and smoked one or two … or the whole pack. I had somehow rationalized smoking because since I was wearing the nicotine patch, it really meant that I hadn’t quit yet and I wouldn’t be setting myself back by putting nicotine into my body cause it was still there. Made perfect sense to me …. what could one or two cigarettes do?

Nicotine addiction, alcohol, and being a girl with raging hormones during certain times … this stuff is totally fucking with my life. I don’t even know why I’m upset half the time anymore. Even though it sucks, its so much better than being a prisoner to panic attacks and numb legs …. and at least I know why its happening and I can control it to some degree. But I feel like my tolerance for everything is like 10x less than everyone else. Some people can drink every night and go to work the next day. If I drink to the point that I’m a bit tipsy I might as well forget about getting out of bed the next day because I’ll feel nasty, I’ll have a headache, be dehydrated, and in a pissed off mood all day because I’m the queen of hangovers. Some girls don’t even realize it when its their time of the month, but I’m a total bitch and I want to kill you no matter how cute, nice, sweet, or rich you are. I want everyone with a pulse to be dead. I want the lipstick zapper from that Stephen King movie and I want to zap people into non-existance. I hate the world when I have PMS. And regardless of what is going on in my life I cry all the time. I cry for no reason. Happy things make me cry, sad things make me cry, sometimes a happy frog hopping down the road will make me cry! When I went on vacation this summer I was just sitting on a bench outside of the train station, waiting to board and this girl was getting on the train. Her parents and sister were there, right outside of the door onto the train and they were all hugging her and crying. We were in VA, and the train only went to Florida so I’m assuming she was off to college and taking the auto-train with her car. Her dad looked so sad ….. and it reminded me of my dad, when he didn’t want me to leave … and how much he said he’d miss me. And that reminded me of how much I loved my dad. Then for some reason I just busted out into tears because I missed my dad. So anyways, Todd’s argument and something that he said he really dislikes about me is that I’m irrational. And its true. I’m very irrational at times and I’ll just spew off mean hateful words because I think they’ll hurt your feelings. I say things I don’t mean because instead of taking shit from people I fire back …. even if I have nothing to fire back …. I’ll find something mean to say, or I’ll cry, or maybe I’ll punch you. I’ve done all three of those things in the past day, so its true, I’m insane.

Anyways, since I’m a cigarette craving hormonal crazed bitch, I decided that alcohol would somehow neutralize me. So yesterday I decided to drink some wine. I enjoyed the wine but it made me really wish I hadn’t thrown the cigarettes in the sewer hole a few hours earlier. So I came home and had another crazy fight with Todd over the phone. I was mostly pissed at him because he took a birthday card to Kelly the other day. I hate the word “Kelly” ….. it makes me want to puke. I have nothing against her and I don’t wish her dead, I just want her to go away. Kelly is the MySpace girl that Todd decided to form a friendship with without letting me know. It wasn’t until I read some comments on his MySpace blog that I found out they’d been hanging out … and I didn’t even know she existed because she wasn’t even listed as a friend on his account. So then he deleted his account, because it was causing him too many problems and he was sick of the porn friend requests …. whatever, I think he just wanted to cover his ass so I’d have one less resource to “spy” on him with. Anyways, old news …. this happened back in August so whatever. But this is what caused the whole thing to start. And the thing that really gets to me is that they’ve been friends for like three months now, and she still doesn’t know that I exist. To her, Todd is just good ol’ single nice guy and that is what makes me so mad. Because I’m still a secret. Because I’m NOT his girlfriend right now even though we’ve been together for nearly three and a half years. I’m mad because he wanted to keep her a secret from me and I could go on with a list of reasons why he did it …… but I’m not. If you are thinking it, then I probably have already thought of it and fought about it … and I’m sticking with the most simple assumption because it really isn’t a complicated issue. And I don’t care if they are just friends, if she is interested in someone else, if she’s not really that cute in person, or whatever other excuse Todd tells me. It doesn’t matter because she doesn’t know that he’s in a relationship with someone else and I think that when you start to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex, that eventually this needs to be discussed … i.e. – I just like you as a friend, I’m kind of with someone else, I’m available, come screw me, etc. So if you say nothing …. then what does the other think? I totally believe that girls and guys can be “just friends”. In fact, I like guys better than girls and I wish all of my friends could be guys (except Julie cause she’s special). But at some point there needs to be clear communication on the issue of being “just friends” and I don’t really think Todd is sending her that message since they went to a Gateway Clipper dance together and she is going to his fraternity formal with him next month. And don’t even get me started on that.

So anyways, I’m sorry if I’m a nut right now and my life isn’t usually full of drama ….. even though I don’t really consider this drama, just the “shit” in my life, and I suppose you could call this “dirty laundry” or something, and maybe I should just keep it to myself, but its better than talking about how I went to the grocery store and bought some green peppers since that is the real excitement in my life. Let me tell ya. And I’m not really feeling like being funny or telling stupid stories right now. I’m upset and going through a tough time and I’m going to write about it because its a free world and its not like more than 8 people read this website so I’m not too concerned about being on the cover of STAR or GLOBE. Call it gossip, trash, what you will … I don’t really care because I’m not really a fun person lately and if I’ve been distant or un-talkative, that’s why. Because life sucks and thats how I deal. And if you have reached the end of this and truly read it all, you deserve a big gold star. Remind me to stick one on ya and give you a big kiss next time a see you.

Bye!!

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 9th, 2005 at 3:05 pm and is filed under 1. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.