Coffeebration

I’ll be wandering around outside in a bit cause I have to take advantage of these 60 degree days while they’re still around, just like I lick the ketchup off of the plate … you can’t be a waster when its something you really love. For me, nice weather is loved and I cringe when I think about how lucky we are going to be next month to wake up with temperatures above thirty! Ahh! Tomorrow is HALLOWEEN people. You better all be giving out candy like good grown-ups. I’m not giving out any candy because I live in a Crackville and I don’t think we have Trick or Treat here. The crazy homeless people might attack the children or try to blend in with all the other dressed up folks and that could cause a problem.

The upcoming week at work is going to be hellish so I don’t suggest that you try to piss me off in any way. I’m planning an event which is kind of exciting but it is taking place on the 7th and I have nothing for it yet besides a location and a caterer. Those are two important things, but still ….. next week I’m going to be planner extrordinaire by day, violent alcoholic by night. I’ll take out the violent part if you’ll come over and play pretend card games with me. I always want to play cards when I drink, but I don’t remember how to play any games. Guess it is hard to remember things you learned when you were drunk and apply those forgotten skills the next time you are drunk.

I feel like pond scum today. Just thought you’d all like to know that. Once upon a time I was happy and cute ….. but those days are gone and now I’m just filled with nothing because having real feelings is for losers. Cause I’m just a caesar side salad – too good to pass up but not enough to fill up on. Meh, I need more coffee.

So I’ve slowly become somewhat less obsessed with talking about smoking on here, but I’ll briefly mention it today because its officially my one month anniversary! Woohoo! Leave a comment that says congratulations unless you are going to personally call me and say something. And if you don’t, may your leg fall off and may you have no friends to take care of you. That is all on that. Except the other thing I have to tempt you with. My friend and I have devised a plan to buy an island and we’re serious folks. I can’t divulge our ingenious get rich plan because you might try to steal it, but maybe if you are nice to me I’ll send you a free plane ticket and give you somewhere to stay for free. I’ll be rich and I’ll have the power to make you happy. So you make me happy now and I promise I’ll make you happy later.

That’s all. I’m exhausted from work today and I’m just going to open my nice cold can of diet pepsi, make some lasagna, and hibernate. But feel free to love me cause I’m awesome. Oh and if you think my name reminds you of a horse you can …….. Because Nellie is not a horse and it doesn’t even matter because my real life name is so much better than yours.

** Note that I’m very cranky right now and some say I’m quite irrational when cranky. Please don’t take offense to the nonsense I write. It isn’t directed at anyone in particular. **

Outside sucks, my apartment sucks, my television sucks, my computer sucks, I’m dying of boredom and I’m going to stab someone just so I can have some entertainment around here. I’m bored with a capital B. The fuzzy boots and winter coat buying didn’t happen today. I did go to the fuzzy boots and coat store but I didn’t find anything that I liked. Tomorrow I should do laundry because I’ve run out of essential things like um underwear and towels, but if I’m going to slip on ice and get frostbitten from carrying my laundry down the street I guess I won’t. I’ll just have to be naked, and nobody should really mind since nobody sees me. I have plenty of work clothes … I’ll just have to go to work without undergarments. I’m kidding, its not really that bad, I just procrastinate about doing laundry because I hate the process. It isn’t the actual washing, drying, folding process I hate. I hate having to take my laundry to the laundromat and without a car that isn’t very fun. I used to do my laundry at Todd’s house a lot, but he didn’t even invite me to his pumpkin carving party so I doubt he’ll invite me to do my laundry anytime soon. Whatevz. I’m just cranky.

This weekend my friend is having a halloween party but I don’t know if I’m going because I don’t have a halloween costume and I don’t feel like wasting money on one. Really, I’m just not creative or motivated enough to be anything for halloween. I do enjoy halloween but ever since I can remember, I’ve dreaded the costume part. I never know what to be and no matter what I am I just feel itchy and disgusting all night. Back to the party thing. Anyways, my friend lives in a confusing place that would be a miracle if I got there in the first place without getting lost, and after some drinking and fun times I’d be left on my own to return in the night of Pittsburgh and I’d probably just get raped or murdered because I’m scared of Pittsburgh in the dark unless I’m in familiar territory, like Oakland. I could also just stay over night, but I don’t like sleeping at other peoples places. I could go along with someone, that isn’t really the problem. I think I just lack halloween spirit this year. Oh well.

I’ve really got to get out for the day tomorrow. I was out for about two hours today, trying to shop but I just got hot and sweaty in the store and wanted to start stabbing people because my discomfort was making me irritable and I felt gross. I hate this time of year because the ratio of outside to inside temperature is terrible. I’m freezing outside but once I get inside I start sweating and want to rip off my clothes. And everytime something touches me my hair just turns into an electric ball of static and I just want to scream! I should probably do some grocery shopping tomorrow even though I despise doing that too. I just hate everything this week. I don’t know why. I’m just not very happy because I’m feeling so damn frustrated about life and all of the little things are really getting to me. Like spilling coffee or having static in my hair. Normally its no big deal, but I just want to have a temper tantrum and rip someones head off and scream bloody fucking murder. Even though I wouldn’t do it cause I’m not really a murderer. And if I ripped your head off, I’m guessing you’d be kind of dead. I think these Jewish Holidays are getting to me. Maybe I need to go back to work. And maybe I’m a hypocrite and contradict everything I say, but hey I’m a walking contradiction and I ain’t got no right. Yeah!

I’m going out tomorrow to buy myself some fuzzy boots and a new winter coat so I don’t die from hypothermia rather than lung cancer this winter. I gotta make sure I’m covering all my bases in the not dying department cause this quitting smoking thing would be a waste of time and energy if I just died from something else totally preventable! And then Thursday evening will be my one month anniversary. I’m really going to be celebrating it on Friday though because I technically didn’t quit smoking until 10:30 p.m. on September 27th, so I’m rounding it to the 28th which was my first full day of being a non-smoker. So if you want to celebrate my success with me I’ll consider it. That is if you are going to be buying me something cause I like presents. I know I’ve been really “I want I want” lately like the world owes me everything and some more. I guess its just a phase. I feel like everyone owes me some happiness cause its been a crappity few months. And I know I’ve made others feel crappy in my cycle of life-destruction. I’m sorry. It’s going to get better. I promise. I’m feeling tired of making everyone miserable. I just have to go back to the mind set that life isn’t forever and I just need to chill and remember what is important. There are too many good things in the world to continually be pissed off every single day that God gives me life. And before I get into some philosophical discussion with myself about the meaing of life, I’m going to just stop typing. Have a good night all!

UPDATE: I’ve been rented by a clan of mad turkeys. They’re going to tie me up, burn me, and eat me! I’m now a martyr for Thanksgiving. I think one of those turkeys is the same one that is on top of Julie’s TV. Damn you, now turkeys are going to kill humans and take over the world. Don’t hate me ok? Thanks!!

Such a beautiful Monday morning. High 44 today with lots of rain …. what more could a girl ask for! Pittsburgh is such a beautiful place to be this time of year. I just don’t understand why the tourists aren’t flocking in to soak up the rain! Well I’ve decided that I’m not going to take advantage of this beautiful weather even though I have tomorrow and Wednesday off of work this week. Instead I’ve decided to put myself up for rent. For a very reasonable rate too! If you’re asking yourself why you would rent me, then I suggest that you not bother. You should just know that I’m the most awesome girl in the world and just having the pleasure of me in your company is worth the rent you’ll pay. Anyways, the rate for one day is ONLY, get this, ONLY one tasty Thanksgiving dinner all for me! Now you might think you’ll have to be slaving away an entire day in advance to make the rent, but I have a little secret for you. For a small price of only like $7 you can buy me an entire turkey dinner at Kings. Yep, thats it. So for $7 I’m yours for a whole day. Now I know I’m going to be swarmed with offers all day since I’m in such high demand. It is a miracle that my calendar isn’t already full with Thanksgiving dinner dates. I can’t believe I must resort to placing a rental ad.

Well I see that nobody cares about my eye mole/cancer …… and I already know I’m being very pitiful/stupid/whiny … its fun and I like to be fun and if you are not happy that I like fun then you can go away. Today I’m 12 years old and I’m going to act like it! This was quite a halloween weekend! On Friday, Brian and I went to the Station Square Fright Night event. It was kind of rainy and that was sad, but the haunted houses were fun when the scary dudes inside weren’t trying to eat my face. They were really getting too close to my face! A lot of people need some personal space. Oh and there was this really annoying clown that was insulting people so they’d pay money to throw a ball and dunk him in like 20 inches of water. Anyways, I’m starting to feel too old for this stuff. Everyone who goes to those things are like 15 year old groups of annoying kids that smoke cigarettes. Or annoying kids that make out the whole time they are in line. I remember those days and they were fun, but now that I’m old I hate those kids. And later we went to a place and drank White Russian’s (I think) and they had a lot of milk in them but they were good. Good and milk are rarely in the same sentence with me unless its creme for my coffee. I guess alcoholic milk is good! Oh and I learned that trains are stupid (even though I disagree). See, I’m always learning new things!!

Yesterday I had a Wheatus party with myself all day. I just listened to it really loud and danced around since I must have had seven cups of coffee. I was ready to conquer the world! Around 6:30 Julie and I met up and went to several local pharmacy stores in search of Halloween decorations. After going to three different places we were both kind of bummed that we didn’t find any streamers but we had two big bags of stuff so went to Julie’s to decorate. We did a pretty good job with eyeball lights, a skeleton, fake blood, cobwebs, an orange light, a black light, and twenty bags of pumkin things that we stuffed with grocery bags. We made an anarchy symbol on the wall with all the pumpkins. Perhaps Julie will put up some pictures!! Oh and during our decorating escapades, the Jews outside were having a big Sukkot party and Julie was like “Hey look, the Jews have a Suckit booth!” I thought it was really funny cause you don’t pronounce it “Suck it” but I think we all should! So by like 9pm the entire booth was full and they were like square dancing and singing “Ya Ya Ya Ya” and I took a picture from the window. Julie punched me for doing so and then we had to pull the blinds down cause a group of like 15 kids was looking up at her window and pointing. Hehe, sorry!!! So shortly after that we went to the bar down the street and I drank some Hoegarden and a beer with bugs on it. Whoo! And Julie pushed me off the bar stool. You are a violent friend!

Thats about it people. I’m bored. I’m thinking about showering today, but it just seems like it would take soooo much effort. And I’m out of coffee creme and coffee, so I’ll probably just wither away and die. Bye!

Yeah, I just thought you’d all like to know that. I just noticed it the other day. At first I thought it was like a tiny pimple that could be popped cause it is kind of white. I tried to destroy whatever it is, but now my right eye just hurts really bad. It is growing where my bottom eyelashes are on under my right eye and it is almost on the rim of my thing that holds my eyeball in. Heh. I must be growing one of those old people eye moles. EWW!!

UPDATE: It’s getting worse:


Except in real life its white. And getting bigger.

This is for me to brag to the world and to keep myself sane while still continuing to want to stab myself in the stomach to make the cravings go away …. its ok. Here’s to life, healthy lungs, and smelling good!

21 days, 16 hours, 29 minutes and 43 seconds smoke free.
434 cigarettes not smoked.
$103.18 and 3 days, 7 hours of your life saved.
Your quit date: 9/27/2005

I don’t know what my problem is. I’ve felt distracted lately. Unable to concentrate. I keep losing things and forgetting things. The forgetting isn’t something new. If my leg wasn’t attached to me, I’d lose it somewhere. I lost my social security card and I need it for this verification of my existence at work. It was either that or my birth certificate but I don’t have that either. I’ve never even seen my birth certificate. Maybe I’m actually an alien. I had to replace my makeup yesterday. I spent $30 and only recovered about half of it. And I’ve officially lost all of the souveniers I purchased this summer at the beach. They were in a white bag and they were sitting by my refrigerator for the longest time. I even had my mom and dad join in the hunt at my apartment. We searched for a half hour. Nothing – they’re just gone. There is no way I threw them away … it was a lot of stuff! And now there are two grocery bags sitting on my kitchen table and they are tied in knots. This is not a hobby of mine. Grocery bags get crunched up in balls and thrown into the grocery bag cupboard. I think there is a ghost in my apartment. I believe in ghosts. I also believe in God. Both of my parents are atheists and they don’t believe in ghosts so they’ll just tell me I’m dumb if I tell them I’m scared. Maybe I need to start being a grownup and stop calling them every time I’m scared. Being a grownup is hard. I’m tired of being alone. Independence is great, but I wouldn’t mind sharing a little bit of it with someone.

Did you know that small amounts of carbon monoxide over time can lead to brain damage? I just started reading about carbon monoxide because a while ago I felt so dizzy and sick in my stomach …. and I started to black out. I called my mom and dad. They told me to go outside and get some air. My mom thought I might have some middle ear thing that she gets. Regardless, I’d be calling the ambulance again because I was really dizzy and everything was blurry. So I sat outside for about 20 minutes and felt signficantly better. So now what do I do? Go tell my landlord that he better get someone over here right now to test for carbon monoxide? Because I could be crazy, or it could be something else. Maybe I just had a new kind of panic attack. Or maybe I was having a heart attack or a stroke! Or maybe it was some adverse reaction to my nicotine patch even though I’ve been wearing it damn near a month now. I don’t know! I know I’d feel a lot better if I didn’t have to sleep here tonight because now I have this carbon monoxide thing stuck in my head. It was weird because this morning I took my fan out of the window and cranked up the heat. I’ve been in a completely unventilated area all day. So …. could it be? Could I be dying as we speak …. will I just fall over, pass out, and never be seen alive again? I put my fan back in the window, shut off the heat, and opened the door. THIS IS WHY I NEED A HUMAN BLANKET. Screw heat and carbon monoxide. Guess I better figure out what I’m going to do.