Coffeebration

It is looking a little funky around here … I’m experimenting and the only way I will finish is if I just leave it all looking kind of crappy. Then when I look at it I will feel the urge to make it look nicer!

My hand is healing. The skin has fused and I want to rip out the stitches now! Six more days until I can get them out … however I think I will just remove them myself. It doesn’t look hard, and I hate hospitals … I can definitely take them out. I want them out because now I feel obliged to wear a bandaid at work and it gets all soggy and noodly after like 20 minutes and I’m going to have to declare bankruptcy from all these bandaids I’ve been buying.

I have a cold sore, its big .. I hate it. I should have asked the doctor to remove my lip while she had the surgical tools out last week. Oh gross, now I have something else unpleasant happening to my body … it just keeps getting better and better.

My department at work is planning a one day retreat to partake in next month. I want it to be fun, but people have some really weird ideas. A 1/2 day Yoga session followed by horse riding, tube sledding, or a self-defense class. Hello, I would rather sit on my butt and be at work. This stuff sounds painful! Just kidding – it actually seems kind of exciting, as long as it can be indoors. I’m not really outdoor winter sports girl. Especially because I’m guaranteed to either be deathly ill or have a nasty cold sore that day … and both prohibit playing outdoors in the snow.

Ouch. I suck. I have nothing to say.

First, lets pretend that I am a huge sports fan and that I understand football …. ok with that assumed – “Go Steelers!!” I got to see the last quarter of the game yeterday with Todd and it was quite exciting, I must say I was getting kind of nervous!!

And on to better things, like mangled hands and snow. While I was washing dishes yesterday, I came upon a dirty glass in the sink. I began to wash it with a sponge, however the cup was not happy about that. So instead of being a nice little cup, it became evil, it broke, and it stabbed me in my hand. Blood proceeded to pour out of my hand and make messes all over my floor as I ran around my house desperately trying to find something to put on my wound. I almost bled to death. Just kidding. I got some dandy stitches and lost like a pint of blood. And now I am sort of disabled because my left hand is kind of out of commission. And it hurts a bit, but I think my arm hurts more, which is where I was injected with a tetanus shot. Those are mighty painful. And since I can’t really type because my hand is bandaged, I think I must stop typing and go away.

I’m so freaking bored. Will someone come to my house and finish washing my dishes? GO STEELERS! OH yeah, welcome back winter … snow snow snow!

** UPDATE ** I’ve added a picture of my gross hand for your viewing pleasure. Here is the link … I didn’t want to put it right on the page, in case you didn’t want to click on my page and be scared by a bloody hand!

are here

Any ideas for a new domain name? I’m sure that every possible combination of words in the English language is taken … so that leaves something like oso verde dar me cabeza. Yes, green bear – give me head. Hmm .. hopefully its not that bad! I’ve given up and I want to write more personal things. Some may think that you shouldn’t write things if don’t want to commit to putting your name on it, but I think I could be a lot more creative and interesting for my hundreds of readers out there if I could just be someone else for a while.

I’ve just about given up on keeping my name off of search engines. I know that I can take my entire site off of search engines, but I think I am going to keep this site for something fun, perhaps my pictures … which mostly consist of cats, so it fits perfectly.

I made some really good apple pie. I want to devour it, but I’m trying not to grow a third butt cheek, so I’m hiding it from myself. My new addition to the Cindy Crawford collection has not arrived yet and I’m beginning to get impatient. I also ordered a scale that measures your body fat … I can’t wait to jump on it and find out that my body is composed of only fat. No bones or muscles … just a blob. I know its not true, but I feel like it should be the case. I feel so blobby. I’m jiggly, wiggly, and looking pregnant (or like I just had a baby).

I went grocery shopping today and Giant Eagle has this new “lower prices” thing. It is like Wal Mart I guess. They show you the old expensive price, and then put a tag on the new “lower price”. These permanently “lower prices” to compete with places like Wal Mart sure don’t seem any lower. I think they just eliminated the “Advantage Card” savings, so I still save the same amount I always did. Ughh.

I make myself believe that if I go out and buy groceries that I am actually saving money by not buying hot, prepared, premade food every day, but I really don’t think I’m saving anything. I usually spend like $30.00 at the grocery store and I still have no food two days later. And everything I like, such as lettuce, tomato, lunch-meat, and bread ROTS before I even eat half of it. Even if I eat it every day, it still rots before it is gone. I throw my hard-earned money in the trash and it makes me mad.

I am now living only on frozen food, food that doesn’t rot, and spaghetti.
Rotting food shall only be purchased on a ready to eat basis. I’m now keeping track of my food expenses each month. I’m tired now. Bye.

Sobbing loudly, refraining from having a hissy fit. I’m sure nobody reading this cares, but sob sob sob. I can’t believe they did this to me!

http://www.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/TV/12/21/television.showtime.reut/

I’m not understanding how they could cancel my favorite show in the world. The only upside is that, there is now one less death show that I watch. Could be good for my health, but not for my soul! I LOVED this show!

Is the end of the world coming? I seem to think so since it is one of my many paranoia’s. I am sure that the Tsunami in Asia only heightened my fear consciously and subconsciously, but not knowing if the world is going to disappear is kind of freaky. I suppose the fact that I might get hit by a car or fall off a building is kind of freaky too. I often ponder why I’m a person. Why am I me? My soul, as many call it is weird. I know I have a body that does stuff. But I’m not a robot. I’m real. We are all real and it is just real weird. Thinking too much can make one crazy, and I claim to hate philosophy … but sometimes ya just can’t help it!

I don’t know why natural disasters are one of my many fears. Recurring dreams about natural disasters include, being in a car trapped between two tornadoes about to collide into me, tidal-wave mudslide coming down the street towards me, drowning everyone in its path, fireball rolling down street, destroying neighborhoods and incinerating everything in its path … etc. In each dream, I know it is coming … and I just sit there, waiting to die. The fireball dream is the best … much like my dream last night. The fireball was about 5 miles away. My family and I were in the basement. I had a metal can over my head (to preserve my head of course), and I was just sitting there waiting to burn to death. Somehow we survived the fireball incident, but then Steven Weber, yes Steven Weber from Wings threw a gasoline soaked rag at the flaming furnace. Evil dumb-ass. So we ran outside, and of course, a flaming ball was descending from the sky, seconds from demolishing our entire house and our very existance.

One day I was at home and I heard loud noises outside. I was sure it was bombs going off and I was about to explode. However, it turned out to be a big firework show. Yay. Everytime I hear a helicopter flying only feet above my apartment, I fear it is going to malfunction and fall on me. Sometimes its really loud! I can’t help but fear it is going to come tumbling down on top of me. Storms are fun, but they freak me out sometimes. Especially ones late at night when the wind is howling and I’m just waiting to hear a train whistle tornado to come sweep me away.

When the power goes out I get really scared. Especially living alone, I fear the world has come to an end and I won’t be able to turn on the TV and find out about it. Fire scares me. Electronics scare me. Plugs in the wall scare me. I hate electricity. I hate sparking plugs. Sometimes all of my lighbulbs burn out at once and I am afraid that there is a secret electrical fire somewhere in my apartment. Living in a multi-building house scares me. I fear coming home from work to find a pile of ashes where my apartment once was.

My furnace scares me. It makes weird noises and I don’t like the fact that it produces flames occasionally. I wish I could put the furnace outside. I also fear carbon-monoxide. I need to get a detector, stat. I really should get around to that.

Frequently I fear that I will die in my apartment and nobody will find me for days. I don’t want to be smelly and rotten when I am discovered.

Everytime a family member calls I get nervous that it will be horrible news.

I think I have an undetected heart disease that will kill me at an early age.

I am afraid of Mad Cow disease.

I think I’m getting alhzeimer’s at an early age (or I have Mad Cow Disease). Or maybe I’m just so stressed out about life that I suffer from memory loss.

Watching shows about death freak me out. I still watch them though. When I get a pang of fear that something bad is going to happen to me, everything on TV is coincidentally about death.

I will be a mother who checks to see if her child is still breathing every 5 minutes while they are sleeping. When they grow up, they will have internal tracking devices sewn into their skin. I will be the worst mother in the world, and they will hate me.

Over Christmas, I stayed up until 4am waiting for my brother to come home. I had called him at 1am and asked him to pick my mom up a pack of cigarettes on his way home. He said “ok” and that he was chilling at Kings but he would be home in a half hour. I was convinced he was dead. My parents didn’t care and went to bed. I’m such a freak.

I can’t rest at home until my cats are all in the house. I hate it when they are outside. I am afraid they will cross the street and get hit by a car.

It is really funny though, that, I think I have had a fear of death since I knew what it was. When I was a kid, I remember thinking about death a lot. But I wasn’t that worried because I decided that I would never die because I would never stop breathing. I just wouldn’t stop. Nobody had to make me stop breathing right? It was my choice. Then one day I guess I realized that it didn’t really happen that way … so my plan was shot.

I know that I’m irrational at times and that I make big scenes over nothing. I know that freaking out about everything only decreases the quality of my life, and could very likely decrease the quantity if I don’t stop stressing out so much. But, nonetheless … I’m a worry wart until I feel securely about something. And when it comes to things that can’t be prevented and have no certainty, how can I be secure?

This post was just for fun. I’m not having a life crisis today or anything. I just thought it would be fun to read this when I’m done and laugh at how stupid I sound.

Hahahahaha, laughing in advance. I know I’m insane.

And now I am going to dry my hair while standing in a puddle, and then I’m going to walk into oncoming traffic, walk under a ladder, break a mirror, and eat expired food!

Bye.

I’ve been pondering the point of rain. Rain makes things grow, right? Living things need water to survive. I drink water. If I didn’t drink water I would die. But I won’t shrivel up and turn brown if I don’t drink any. I just die. And drinking water doesn’t make me grow. I’m all grown up, stuck in this period of no more growing. I am slowly going to wilt and die, even if I drink lots and lots of water. Why do trees die? They die because we chop them down and make paper, but if we didn’t they would never die unless they ran out of water. So why do I have to die, even if I never run out of water?

Anyways, here’s what is going on in my exciting life. New Years came and went. I went out with Julie, Nate, and Nate’s two friends Bill and Steve. Pictures will be up shortly. I think Julie did a good job of summing things up, so you can read about it if you wish. I will supply the pictures, as soon as I have enough time, but picking my nose and taking a shower are the top two things on my list that I need to accomplish first today.

I already posted my NY resolutions, so what else can we talk about? Well on New Years Day, Todd and I took our regular trip to Wal Mart and bought some necessities, including the deluxe edition of Monopoly. We also ate at my favorite place, Long John Silvers! I’m not really being sarcastic, I love LJS! We spent New Years evening competing in a tournament of Monopoly. The first game went on for over two hours, until I finally kicked his butt and ended up with over $10,000. Todd was being a sore loser, complaining that I never landed on his stuff … but thats just the way it goes sometimes. He beat me on the second game, after like 30 minutes. I think I got the shaft on that game though.

Work has been sucking a big dick this week. There was a big event that nobody bothered to do anything about until last Monday. I think I already ranted about that. Yesterday was the day the event was taking place, and more than a few crisises came up. I’m glad its over. I’m doing absolutely NOTHING at work today. I spent the first half sitting there, staring blankly at the screen whilst sipping on coffee. I finally gave in to working on some expenses and billings, but other than that …. I’m doing nada today.

I making mad loot on my ING Direct Savings account. I get $10 for each person I refer. I posted a review on Epinions, and so far I have had 6 people ask me for referrals. Four of them have already signed up, so thats $40 bucks baby!

I rewarded myself … sort of, although I think it will reward me in the end, maybe. I bought another Cindy Crawford work-out video. I read that the first one had unsafe “moves” in it, that could lead to serious injury. I was in a lot of pain the first time I worked out with it … oh well. The second one is a DVD and was made a year later. Cindy Crawford kicks ass. She doesn’t wear leotards with a thong bathing suit like all those other workout whores. And she actually sweats and stuff. Another cool thing is that her personal trainer is in the video making her do the stuff, so its so much easier/more realistic than the dumb ones where like 40 girls stand on mats and dance around.

I’m so tired. I just want to sleep, and I know that I can’t wait until 5:00 because I will run home and fall asleep in my comfy monkey pants. Its so dreary and rainy today, which is probably why I’m so tired. I don’t think any amount of coffee is going to cure my rainy day blues today. Ughh.

Time to go back to working on nothing. Bye.

I could have sworn that I posted my New Years Resolutions last year, but I guess I did not. Last year at this time was not such a happy time for me. I had just graduated from school, I had no money, and I was having some major personal problems. I hate to use the word “personal” in my journal, but I don’t think that it would be appropriate for me to spend this entire entry rehashing everything that has gone wrong in my life. Besides, its New Years Eve … and I’m looking forward to 2005. With that said, I will briefly recap major events in 2004 … because it sure was a lot better than 2003.

In January I found myself with tons of freedom. A new degree and no more classes to go to ever. I officially decided that I did not want to go to Grad School because I’d had enough of school … time to move on. I found myself feeling lost and hopeless for a while. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, so I continued to work at the Pizza Shop and do nothing.

In March I decided to move out of the ghetto because my landlord wasn’t paying the bills, and to be quite honest, that house was depressing the hell out of me. I need a change about every six months … even though I say I hate change, I think it really likes me. I moved to an apartment by myself in the land of Oaks, and I found it quite lovely. Quiet and peaceful (rare in the land of Oaks), and I couldn’t complain. Soon after my move I began to feel some bad anxiety/panic again. I brushed it off as the whole living by myself thing, and fearing that I would die in my apartment and nobody would ever find me. Crazy, I know.

Once I was settled in, I began to really buckle down and get serious about finding a job. I didn’t want to tell anyone if I got an interview because I didn’t want to get disappointed and then have to disappoint everyone else. I didn’t want to be a bank teller or a secretary but I had no experience in anything. I just didn’t know where to begin. Then I got an interview for an associate in the marketing department somewhere, and it sounded interesting. I went for the interview, but didn’t get the job, which was a real let down because I had a really good feeling about it, and it sounded much more interesting than anything else so far. A few days later they called me back for another open position in the planning department, and I was offered the job. I was so excited, but bummed at the same time because I had really wanted the other job. Oh well, this one turned out to be so much better … and the person who got the job that I applied for … well she sits in the lunch room all day and stuffs envelopes. I guess everything works out in the end, right?

My new job was keeping me quite busy, but I have to admit, at first I wasn’t feeling good vibes from the job. I knew I was doing a good job, but I wasn’t really feeling the atmosphere there and wasn’t used to working with bitchy women. I stuck it out though, and I realized that I don’t really give a damn about anyone there. If that is how it has to be, then so be it. My job is really interesting and sometimes it stresses me out (i.e. last post), but overall I feel like I’m getting some good experience to accelerate my career goal in life.

To wrap it up .. well this year wasn’t filled with anything fun. It consisted of dealing with graduating from school, making ends meet, finding somewhere to live, and finding a decent job. With all that accomplished, sounds like I’m wonderful. Well, not really. We never discussed the things I did not accomplish. And here are my goals for 2005. So next year, I can come back and say “haha, I didn’t do any of that stuff!” Or … maybe I will do it all! You never know!

My goals for 2005:

Eat healthier and get serious with my “get in shape” plan (I know, everyone says this).

Throw in the towel, sometimes giving up is the only way to start over!

Save money and acquire an asset (I’ve already started my savings plan .. I have $200 already (as in money that I can absolutely not touch until I have a plan for it).

Go to the beach (since I’ve never been to one).

Stop biting my fingernails

Make a new friend

Spend more time with my family

Adopt a cat (even if I have to move).

That’s all for right now. I’m not setting my expectations too high. I might have more goals, but I think I can definitely accomplish all of those!

Have a Happy New Year and see ya in 2005!